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  ~Paris Hilton that’s just fabulous. ~Sex in the City music of your soul. ~Katharine Hepburn ~Margaret Cho ~Henry James
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Monday, April 30, 2007 Dear Diary,  At first I thought he was a PooPoo-Head because he was punishing me, but looking back I see that I made a choice that was less-right. OK OK I made a mistake-- geeze! Well I figger since I messed up I should be corrected, right?? Here’s what happened, I slipped and said a bad word when talking to a Friend of mine and He made me use icky soap in my mouth and it was slimy and gross and filmy and and -- well I just wouldn’t recommend it. Yuck! a now cleaned mouth, elana Labels: Dear Diary  
 Friday, April 27, 2007 If there is chemistry and common interests, the Dominant and submissive dynamics of our personality will naturally fall into place. All too often people are only focusing on the D/s aspect of the other person and then wonder why it goes horribly wrong. ~Anonymous I completely agree with this statement and think it is going to be my new motto. :) So many times I have overlooked certain things that aren't a match because the guy and I were a match D/s wise. Being a submissive isn't my complete focus in life, it is part of who I am but it is not the only thing that I am. If the person is the One meant for me, He and I will click in other ways too, and the power exchange dynamic will come naturally as we learn of each other and grow in trust. Labels: quotes, thoughts on D/s or M/s
Wednesday, April 25, 2007 Dear Diary, I have spoiled myself and I'm happy that I did it! Over the weekend I wasn't feeling 100% but had to go to the store for work anyway. So in a moment of weakness, not only did I adopt Jade but I got myself some fancy new crayons!!  Yes, I actually paid for fancy new crayons!! Lookie, they are twistables!! They aren't supposed to break as easily and never need to be peeled or sharpened. It took a minute for me to learn how to use them to stay in the lines because of the plastic holder around the crayon, but I like them a lot. And I'm happy that I did. I consider it a spoiling myself because I really didn't need new crayons. A new green and a new black crayon would of worked, but I didn't need a whole new pack. My old crayons are broken and peeled, almost colored out. I keep them in a old butter bowl with a lid so they get banged around a lot.  I'm a crayon-snob. They have to be Crayola. There is no if-ands-or buts about it, they have to be Crayola. They are the only ones that don't melt crooked in my hand while I color and snap when I try to "fix" them back. I color when I'm upset or angry as an emotional outlet, so my power isn't always super gentle. :) But Crayola stands up to my strength and still makes a pretty color in the books. elana Labels: Dear Diary
Tuesday, April 24, 2007  Hush, little Jadey, don't say a word, elana's gonna buy you a mockingbird. If that mockingbird don't sing, aunt pixie's gonna buy you a diamond ring. If that diamond ring turns to brass, Uncle Sir's gonna buy you a looking glass. If that looking glass gets broke, elana's gonna buy you a billy-goat. If that billy-goat won't pull, aunt pixie's gonna buy you a cart and bull. If that cart and bull turns over, Uncle Sir's gonna buy you a dog named Rover. If that dog named Rover won't bark, elana's gonna buy you a horse and cart. If that horse and cart falls down, Jade'll still be the sweetest little baby in town.
Monday, April 23, 2007  a familiar rant by elana I am not a prude. I am not frigid. I have a healthy imaginative sexual drive and yes I want a sexual relationship -- but with the right person. I have no desire to be messaged by the millions of skanky greasy horn dogs online who order me to my knees because I'm submissive or ‘talk dirty to me’ because I have in the past. Also it is not my problem if he becomes aroused because of my blog or because of my honesty with him or because of my voice-- if I don't purposively say things to intentionally arouse someone it is NOT my place to "finish it". Period. I don’t like feeling like the only purpose people talk to me is because they are horny. However I am realistic and realize that most of the people who are online at night are in fact looking for someone to get them off. So I do believe I am fighting a loosing battle. Of course I just add the guys to my blocked list... but what royally pisses me off is when it is someone who KNOWS how I feel about this and that I considered to be my friend at one point or another. Labels: rants
Saturday, April 21, 2007 Friendship needs no words - it is solitude delivered from the anguish of loneliness. ~Dag Hammarskjold Friendship is a single soul dwelling in two bodies. ~Aristotle Silences make the real conversations between friends. Not the saying but the never needing to say is what counts. ~Margaret Lee Runbeck The language of friendship is not words but meanings. ~Henry David Thoreau Labels: quotes
Thursday, April 19, 2007 Dear Diary, I've always had a sexual response to the rain... something about it is calming, yet freeing at the same time... rhythmic sound of the rain hitting that old tin roof, echoes the racing of my heart... the light caress of the drops against my heated flesh, much like the teasing tongue of a lover... the rolling thunder fills my thoughts, much like his voice would command my responses... flash of lightening mimics the way it feels when his grasp tightens against my curves... Its been raining off and on the last couple days, of course I feel it deep in my soul... its cleansing and refreshing at the same time. I always feel better during the rain, after the rain, those first minutes when the rain is stopping and the air is still heavy with moisture, thick against my cheeks.. my Kenny sings a song about this, which instantly struck that familiar chords within me... I wanted to share some of the lyrics here. Yes my Kenny is country but the song has a .. jazzy feel to it. I love this whole tropical themed CD by my Kenny, its definitely my favorite of his work. There's Something Sexy About the Rain by Kenny Chesney There's something sexy about the rain She said as it came pouring down It feels like kisses on my skin She spread her arms and spun around In a summer island storm In a field of sugarcane She taught me how and showed me why Labels: Dear Diary, lyrics
Wednesday, April 18, 2007 What is my life if I am no longer useful to others. ~Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe This is something that has haunted me for a long time... I've always known that my purpose was to serve, help others, and do what I can to make things easier/better for other people. I have selected the group that I work with, devoting my time to those who needs my help. Even before I found M/s, I believed that I was to help others and be a supporter of those that need me. I was brought up in a small town Baptist family, my Dad was a Deacon and my Mom did Ladies Prayer Band and Children's Church. My family taught me to help serve the community with them. So when I found D/s it naturally fit. However... my body is screaming at me to slow down, take time, and be nice to myself. I understand that I will not always be able to do the things that I do now, work these hours, volunteer with this many organizations, take on the weight of my world (and my friends) and be fiercely independent in it. So where does that leave me? Topic provided by Kindlings Labels: Journal Prompts, quotes, thoughts on D/s or M/s
Tuesday, April 17, 2007 Tonight I took a personalDNA test. It was interesting and thought I would post my results. elana is a Benevolent Leader. elana is a Leader Your solid grounding in the practicalities of life, along with your self-assuredness and your willingness to appreciate new things make you a LEADER. You're in touch with what is going on around you and adept at remaining down-to-earth and logical. Although you're detail-oriented, this doesn't mean that you lose the big picture. You tend to find beauty in form and efficiency, as opposed to finding it in broad-based, abstract concepts. Never one to pass on an adventure, you're consistently seeking and finding new things, even in your immediate surroundings. Because of this eagerness to pursue new experiences, you've learned a lot; your attention to detail means that you gain a great deal from your adventures. The intellectual curiosity that drives you leads you to seek out causes of and reasons behind things. Your confidence gives you the potential to take your general awareness and channel it into leadership. You're not set on one way of doing things, and you often have the skills and persistence to find innovative ways of facing challenges. You are well-attuned to your talents, and can deal with most problems that you face. You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well. If elana wants to be different: There's more to life than the practical - take some time to daydream and explore the aesthetic sides of things. How elana relates to others You are Benevolent You are a great person to interact with—understanding, giving, and trusting—in a word, BENEVOLENT You don't mind being in social situations, as you feel comfortable enough with people to be yourself. Your caring nature goes beyond a basic concern: you take the time to understand the nuances of people's situations before passing any sort of judgment. You're a good listener, and even better at offering advice. You're concerned with others at both an individual and societal level—you sympathize with the plights of troubled groups, and you can care about people you've never met. Considering many different perspectives is something at which you excel, and you appreciate that quality in others. Other people's feelings are important to you, and you're good at mediating disputes. Because of your understanding and patience, you tend to bring out the best in people. You're not afraid to let your emotions guide you, and you're generally considerate of others' feelings as well. If elana wants to be different: You spend a lot of time taking care of others, but don't forget to take care of yourself! Sometimes you can get overcommitted, and when you sacrifice spending time with those close to you, it can make them feel unimportant. Labels: elana, quiz results
Monday, April 16, 2007 I've always been told that the hardest part of ANY lifestyle choice is deciding what you want. I would have to disagree with that... That part just took experience. Once I began experiencing different aspects of power exchange, from the mental to the physical to the emotional, it was something that I was able to decide rather easily. However, meeting someone who not only understands what I want in the relationship and what I have to offer is very difficult. And the part that feels impossible is finding that Person who wants it in return. I have spoken with different people along my journey, and I have been told I ask for too much in a Partner. I have a lot to give to the right One, and I'm realistic about what I want in return. I don't feel that I'm "shallow" in the things I am asking for, they are just qualities I feel that a "real Man" should have. :) So why should I beat around the bush? I've always been an upfront kind of girl. :) "elana, stop looking and you will meet the right One." Yes that is good advice I get frequently, but it doesn't really reassure me of anything other than my friends are tired of hearing my complaints. haha I am not really fussing, just... airing out my frustrations... elana Labels: rants
Sunday, April 15, 2007 An Iron-Gate essay about what a Dominant is... He is in control of himself first and foremost, so that he may control others. As a stern and demanding Dominant, he can cause his sub to cry real tears. As the consummate lover, he will then kiss the tears away, without ever stepping out of character. I hate to quote so much from somewhere else especially when I can post the link, but I really like these words and it gives me hope that there is someone out there who is real, kind, honorable, consistent, and also Dominant. I have often wrote about what about him makes a him the one who is able to teach me to be a better person, submissive, and friend. This explains is perfectly: "He must also show her that his guidance and tutoring is knowledgeable and deserving of her attention, that this is a man she can learn from, and trust his direction." Iron Gate has many essays that are good and informative. This is the one that spoke to me the most tonight... Hmm... maybe this should be my letter to Santa this year! haha elana Labels: Guys, quotes, thoughts on D/s or M/s
 Dear Diary,Pixie and I spent the day coloring, drawing, and having a good time redoing her template for her blog. The new layout and color scheme are really a better representation of her personality than others she has used in the past. We had a good time across the miles, talking on the phone and playing with different html codes, pictures, etc... I do miss living closer to Pixie, but I am happy to know that I can still be here for her in some way when she needs me. Plus.... I always have enjoyed coloring :) elana Labels: Dear Diary
Friday, April 13, 2007 No matter how chaotic it is, wildflowers will still spring up in the middle of nowhere. ~Sheryl Crow While I'm navigating hectic traffic on the interstate, I'm always surprised to see the pretty wildflowers along the grassy spots between the lanes. Those flowers make me smile, reminding me that there are beautiful things, however simple, and that I should always make time to see that. This quote really spoke to me. Things have been pretty wild at work and in my personal life. my best friend, Pixie, is also going through a lot right now. However, we both got to talking earlier today and decided to completely redo my blog layout and color scheme. Pixie is excellent on Front Page and I have a little bit of a working knowledge of html and this is what we came up with. I love it, I absolutely love it. Labels: quotes
Wednesday, April 11, 2007 I went through a phase in college where I really got into techno dance style music. This song, when sang normally, didn't do much for me. However I found a remix version to a techno dance beat and it speaks wonders! Either that or I have realized that I have built those walls around myself and my heart (like she speaks of in the song) to protect myself ~ but am seeing that it is only keeping me from not only finding love but also being open to accepting it. Miss independent ~Kelly Clarkson Miss independent Miss self-sufficient Miss keep your distance, mmmm Miss unafraid Miss out of my way Miss don't let a man interfere, no Miss on her own Miss almost grown Miss never let a man help her off her throne So, by keeping her heart protected She'll never, ever feel rejected Little miss apprehensive Said ooh, she fell in love (Chorus) What is this feeling taking over? Thinking no one could open the door Surprise, it's time, to feel what's real What happened to miss independent's no longer need to be defensive? Goodbye, old you, when love, is true (Verse 2) Misguided heart Miss play it smart Miss if you wanna use that line, you better not start, no But she miscalculated She didn't wanna end up jaded And this miss decided not to miss out on true love So, by changing a misconception She went in a new direction And found inside, she felt a connection She fell in love (Chorus) What is this feeling taking over? Thinking no one could open the door Surprise, it's time, to feel what's real What happened to miss independent's no longer need to be defensive? Goodbye, old you, when love, is true (when love, is true) (Bridge) When miss independent walked away No time for love that came her way She looked in the mirror and thought today What happened to miss no longer afraid? It took some time for her to see How beautiful love could truly be No more talk of why can't that be me I'm so glad I've finally seen (Chorus) What is this feeling taking over? Thinking no one could open the door Surprise, it's time, to feel what's real What happened to miss independent's no longer need to be defensive? Goodbye, old you, when love, is true (when love, is true) Labels: lyrics
Monday, April 09, 2007 
"I hate you..." I'm not sure how this quote makes me feel. On one hand, I like the thought of a Man having the ability to get me to do things I secretly want to do but am scared/embarrassed to do them on my own. On the other hand, something about the quote doesn't set right... I'm not sure if its because I secretly like it or because it bothers me deep down. The more that I think about it, the more that I read it... I think it doesn't set right because it is about someone having that level of control over another, or in this case, over me. That is one of the main things that I crave so badly. And I don't like being 'that' exposed, that vulnerable. Sometimes it makes me feel like a 'sitting duck' for the players out there. But if I am honest with myself, that only makes me attract those who aren't interested in who I truly am. So... I'll just be me. :) Because I'm fabulous! haha ;) Labels: quotes, thoughts on D/s or M/s
Saturday, April 07, 2007 An exert from 'A Submissive's Ethics' In time a submissive can trust her Dominant to make the right decisions in these regards. They will be the right decisions because with enough time He knows her well enough to make the right decision about her, and His temperament is such it will be the right decision for her as well as Him. I think this is the kinky version of a fairy tale. Nevertheless, its what I want. I want this level of trust. Labels: thoughts on D/s or M/s
Dear Diary, This year I have been working on rediscovering myself, it was one of my resolutions. I thought I was doing better, I addressed some of the roadblocks I have been running into. I realized that I do not have to have a connection with everyone that I agree to go out with, have made some new friends along the way (and had a couple good times). I have grown to enjoy my body again. Not in the sexual way, but growing to appreciate each curve, dip, and the strength in my muscles. I have embraced photography and artwork depicting bigger girls in attractive sexy poses, lingerie, and in a new light. I have even taken a couple pictures of my own, confronting that old fear again. I am not recognizable in those pictures, but it is still my body all the same.  I have stopped looking for that 'intense connection', thinking that if it is meant to work it will, I have still been fairly selective about who I will go out with or not. A girl has to have standards, eh? Anyway, even though I am beginning to open up a little bit, I'm still wasn’t connecting with anyone, at least with anyone who was emotionally available. It wasn’t a surprise that these guys were unavailable, I was able to tell rather quickly that they weren’t what I needed emotionally. But they ones I “attempted” to open up to. At first I thought it was because I just naturally attracted ‘these types’ but now I realize that I was using them as an excuse to remain closed up. Locked behind my own emotional walls, protecting myself from feeling that pain all over again. Sometimes I forget that by keeping that pain close I am not protecting myself but hurting myself all over again.  When I meet someone who is open to taking his time to get to know me (which is very rare), or someone who wants to establish some form of relationship that may or may not open the doors later on to a deeper connection… I start hiding behind my work again. I hate this, I thought I was getting better at treating myself better but in this aspect I am still withdrawn. A new friend asked me directly about this, it totally caught me off guard yet clicked instantly that this is what I'm continuing to do. So I will continue to work on it and try to be more patient with myself, this isn't the kind of thing that can be fixed overnight. elana Labels: Dear Diary
Thursday, April 05, 2007 Everything I Need To Know I learned from the Wizard of Oz Imagination can take you anywhere - even over the rainbow. Sometimes you have to leave home to find it.  Follow the Yellow Brick Road, but always be ready for a detour. Faith, hope and love can work wonders, but ruby slippers can't hurt either. When friends stick together, they can work miracles. Having the courage to ask for what you want is half the battle. "Hearts will never be made practical until they are made unbreakable." All you need is right there inside of you. "A heart is not judged by now much you love, but how much you are loved by others." Keep home in your heart and you can always return to it. The grass is always greener on the other side of the rainbow. "There's no place like home!" Labels: movies
Wednesday, April 04, 2007 Do D/s relationships tend to develop more quickly than vanilla relationships? Is it just a perception or is there something to this? This is something I have written about before, something I have given a lot of thought about. I think that a major reason that D/s relationships appear to move more quickly is that the physical needs are addressed much quicker than in a vanilla relationship. I will not say that people tend to be more upfront because not everyone is honest about his/her needs/wants in either situation. I think a reason that both people are more willing to "rush into" the physical side of things quicker than either would in a vanilla relationship is because having a like-minded view on things help one feel connected to the other, and that causes a certain amount of 'instant trust'. Especially after limits and safe words have been established. Safe calls set up before hand can also help both people feel more comfortable with taking things a bit quicker. Personally, I need time in any relationship to establish trust and want to take things to a more physical level. Just because someone 'claims' to be dominant doesn't mean that he/she has your best interest in heart. Then again, I have not had the best of luck in that department. :) So maybe it is my fear talking again. I just... part of me wishes that it was "normal" for things to move a bit slower -- not just physically but emotionally also. Although with all of the new people discovering power exchange online (like its a form of sexual monopoly) the new guys I meet think by demanding an instant blowjob they are "proving their dominance" or some crap like that. Plus its always easy for them to move along to someone else who will give them that blowjob once I refuse. So why take the time to get to know the girl? Then again, if that is all the guy is out for, I'm not interested in them anyway :) What makes that funny is that it is their policy, but in reverse. I don't like guys who come on strong because guys who come on fast and strong tend to fizzle out quickly. After a day or two, its like the guy can't keep up the farce and I'm left wondering what happened. *Topic provided by Sensual Service. For more about this topic, read this essay. I agree with what it says and like how she worded it. Labels: Journal Prompts, thoughts on D/s or M/s
Monday, April 02, 2007 I miss having a kitten, but I know that right now I don't have the time to truly be a good pet-parent. So this is my new virtual kitten, snuggles! She's purple to match my bedroom!  Labels: pictures, quiz results
Sunday, April 01, 2007 Which of Henry VIII's wives are you? Congratulations! You are Anna of Cleves! Anna of Cleves got the royal shaft. She came all the way to England to become the fourth wife of Henry VIII. Once married to Anna, he refused to consummate the marriage, and called her the "Flanders Mare". Talk about a burn, considering that by this time, Henry was the fattest man in England and had a rotting syphilis sore on his leg. Anna was miffed, but she was too sensible to let it ruin her fun. She was given an annulment and a fat yearly allowance, and she threw extravagant parties and dined on delicacies for the rest of her life.  Which of Henry VIII's wives are you? this quiz was made by Lori Fury Labels: quiz results
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~His Pixie~ my best fairy friend who dazzled up this template with her fabulous pixie dust and imagination.
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