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  ~Paris Hilton that’s just fabulous. ~Sex in the City music of your soul. ~Katharine Hepburn ~Margaret Cho ~Henry James
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Tuesday, March 24, 2009 I am so happy I am single. Don’t get me wrong, growing up I always thought by 30 I would not only be married but already have children. There are days now where I wish I had someone in my life, but more of an emotional support thing than a lonely thing. I guess that means I would be using Him, eh? LOL But most of the time, I am happy I am single. Sometimes, I think I am way too picky, but then I see these tantrums that reassure me I am making the right choice. Then again, the men in my family often are the ones who remind me that I’m better off single. I don’t understand what is going on with today’s adults. Was I brought up with a different set of ethics and an opposite view of what is acceptable behavior? I realize that I am speaking negatively about my own generation, but come on people. What is going on? Maybe I’m just a bitch who doesn’t give anyone any slack – but maybe these “adults” need to grow up. Things just seem simple to me. We make time for people and things that are important to us. If we are unable to do this, then that person or thing must not rank very high on our list of priorities right now. There isn’t anything wrong with that, at different times we all need a different precedence from time to time, but I think that for a committed relationship to work, one’s Partner must come first.  Unfortunately, that also means in times of danger or crisis. Yes I do well under pressure and I tend to step up during times of crisis, but I do not want a man who will hide behind me! I understand that it isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but its about manning up. Please don’t misunderstand, I don’t desire the macho man who pounds his chest and treats me as though I am incapable. I’m just hoping for some kind of balance between the two. The kicker, I believe, is how can a guy like this take control of another person? How can this kind of guy be my Dominant/Master/Daddy/Owner when he needs a babysitter himself?? Besides, if he is so easily upset and ungrounded, then he doesn't stand a chance with me. I was watching this new show on VH1 called Tough Love. It’s a reality show about girls who are being molded by a match-maker to be ready for a relationship. Anyway, he told the girls something that has truly stuck in my head. "Children whine and complain, women deal with it." I’m going to start using that! "Children whine and complain, men deal with it." One day the right Man will come along who will not only 'man up' and take life by the horns but also appreciate the fact I didn't waste any more of my time on squawl boxes. :) Of this, I have no doubt. Labels: cross-posted, Guys, rants, thoughts on D/s or M/s  
 Tuesday, July 15, 2008 I don't know why this song has been on my heart/mind the last week or so. I am posting it here, to share. . . . I do not have a STD, have no interest in having one. But as the song suggests, it only takes one encounter, one time, one person to change your life. . . forever. Wikipedia Says: A 1994 song from American Country music artist Reba McEntire. Upon its release, the song gained media attention and controversy for being the first country music song to address the subject of AIDS. 'She Thinks his name was John' Sung by Reba McEntire She can account for all of the men in her past Where they are now, who they married, how many kids they have She knew their backgrounds, family and friends A few she even talks to now and then But there is one she cant put her finger on There is one who never leaves her thoughts And she thinks his name was John A chance meeting, a party a few years back Broad shoulders and blue eyes, his hair was so black He was a friend of a friend you could say She let his smile just sweep her away And in her heart she knew it was wrong But too much wine and she left his bed at dawn And she thinks his name was John Now each day is one day thats left in her life She wont know love, have a marriage or sing lullabies She lays all alone and cries herself to sleep cause she let a stranger kill her hopes and her dreams And all her friends say what a pity what a loss And in the end when she was barely hanging on All she could say is she thinks his name was John Labels: cross-posted, Dear Diary, Guys, lyrics
Wednesday, March 05, 2008 This song has so much truth to it... Sometimes it feels this way. Different Truck, Same Loser Sung by~ The Wreckers She'd rather be with the wrong man than no man at all Just a couple of skipped heart beats and she's ready to fall. she's intelligent, intuitive, with common sense until it comes to men here comes her next fiasco and here we go again Different truck, same loser Different Face, same shooter A leaver or a booser a cheater or a user if there's one in fifty miles he'll end up in her couch same road no future different truck same loser well he'll break her heart and she'll cry where have all the good ones gone then over look and angel to take the devil home if he's arrogant, copendent, baggage written short on cash she's in you can bet yourself you'll get a call to meet her new boyfriend Different truck, same loser Different Face, same shooter A leaver or a booser a cheater or a user if there's one in fifty miles he'll end up in her couch same road no future different truck same loser (loser) Different truck, same loser Different Face, same shooter A leaver or a booser a cheater or a user if there's one in fifty miles he'll end up on our bus same road no future different truck same loser same road no future different truck same loser
Friday, August 31, 2007  He who controls others may be powerful, but he who has mastered himself is mightier still. ~ Lao Tzu. Labels: Guys, pictures, quotes
Thursday, August 30, 2007  Sending a shout-out to a new friend who may be reading. I enjoy talking with you and spending time getting to know you. Looking forward to more conversations, debates, and laughs. Labels: Guys
Thursday, August 23, 2007 We've all been there, in a relationship that is bad for us because we forget to take care of ourselves too. I really like how these lyrics word it, it really does come down to which do you love more? Him or yourself? "Me" Sung by ~ Tamia -verse- Love was a former owner, but quiet is renting our house It seizes my lips from speaking, but forms a sarcastic smile Suspense now raised one of your eyebrows You ask me if there's someone else I replied yes, hell yes You asked me if it's another man, I said no You laughed and say is it a woman, I say yeah Surprisingly you asked for honey's name -chorus- And her name is me, And she loves me more than you'll ever know And I finally see that loving you and loving me Just don't seem to work at all So patiently, she's waiting on me to tell you That she needs love And to choose between you two, boy you know If I have to choose, I choose me -verse- And she told me to tell you to never to hurt me again Cuz if you haven't heard she's a bad chick Even though I haven't been, no Yet and still you try and test me by raisin' an angery hand Put it down, put it down I'm leaving don't try and stop me, (no) I'm late and she is waiting, (yes) My love for me is too much so I can't stay -chorus- And her name is me, And she loves me more than you'll ever know And I finally see that loving you and me Just don't seem to work at all So patiently, she's waiting on me to tell you That she needs love And to choose between you two, boy you know If I have to choose, I choose me Cuz she's actually formin' a threesome And I'm happy that I can join them, and There names are me, myself and I -chorus- And her name is me, She loves me more than you'll ever know I finally see that loving you and loving me Just don't seem to work work at all So patiently, she's waiting on me to tell you That she needs love, And to choose between you two, boy you know If I have to choose, I choose me She's waiting on me to tell you that she needs love, Gotta choose between you two, and you know And if I have to choose, I choose me, me, I gotta go with me
Sunday, August 19, 2007 How hard is it for guys to realize that if they don't understand where I am coming from, then they aren't for me? I get so tired of having to explain myself a million times, going through the same song and dance of trying to get someone to understand only to become exhausted with breaking down simple concepts that are natural for me, but greek to him. Women are from Venus. Men are from Mars. But I seem to be from Jupiter.
Monday, July 02, 2007 Dear Diary, I know I have written about Cesar Millan before, He's the Dog Whisperer. Each time I watch his show I take away this 'yummy warm feeling' about what I am searching for. Granted, he works with dogs, and I am an educated human. But when it gets down to it, aren't we all just animals? He has this... calm quiet assertiveness that drives me absolutely crazy! The sound of his voice and watching his actions, just gives me goosebumps. So how come when I return to work and to my normal day-to-day activities I forget that it IS out there? If Ceasar Millan can be that way, surely there are others!?! He's just... yummy. Some submissives would be offended by being compared to an out of control dog, but when it gets down to it, we all get a little out of control when we aren't able to communicate our needs/desires/and wants. Also, I would love to learn to "live in the moment, exist in the moment" the way that Ceasar says that dog's do. And to be honest, yes I would remember the mistakes one makes, but if a Man was able to snap into that calm assertive controlling Team Leader role, I don't think my heart could help but to follow Him... Trust me, The Dog Whisperer is definitely worth watching!! elana Labels: Dear Diary, Guys, thoughts on D/s or M/s
Sunday, April 15, 2007 An Iron-Gate essay about what a Dominant is... He is in control of himself first and foremost, so that he may control others. As a stern and demanding Dominant, he can cause his sub to cry real tears. As the consummate lover, he will then kiss the tears away, without ever stepping out of character. I hate to quote so much from somewhere else especially when I can post the link, but I really like these words and it gives me hope that there is someone out there who is real, kind, honorable, consistent, and also Dominant. I have often wrote about what about him makes a him the one who is able to teach me to be a better person, submissive, and friend. This explains is perfectly: "He must also show her that his guidance and tutoring is knowledgeable and deserving of her attention, that this is a man she can learn from, and trust his direction." Iron Gate has many essays that are good and informative. This is the one that spoke to me the most tonight... Hmm... maybe this should be my letter to Santa this year! haha elana Labels: Guys, quotes, thoughts on D/s or M/s
Wednesday, February 21, 2007  It seems that I am a scary gal. Either that or instead of body spray I spritzed on guy-repellent. I had a nice sweet date with HockeyGuy a couple days ago and haven't heard from him since. I don't understand what happened, he initiated the goodnight kiss. A friend of mine said that he was probably sorting everything out but at this point I am pretty sure that he has decided against talking with me again. Its totally his choice but I will miss our friendship, or what I thought was a friendship. Labels: Guys
Wednesday, February 14, 2007  Happy Valentine's Day! This year, I had a good Valentines Day. :) It wasn't because I did anything special that I wouldn't of done even if it wasn't Valentines Day.  First kisses are sweet no matter what the occasion. I spent some time with a friend tonight, HockeyGuy and I have been friends with a while now. He kissed me goodnight, which was a first for us. It was nice... slow, extremely gentle, almost shy-- it was really sweet. Its been such a long time since a guy has kissed me without grabbing my boobs or trying to grab my ass. HockeyGuy kept his hands on mine and didn't even step closer to 'accidentally' bump my boobs. He's been wanting to "get together" just the two of us for a while now, so it wasn't JUST Valentine's Day. Maybe that helped make it sweeter.Labels: Dear Diary, Guys
Sunday, January 28, 2007 A Temper Tantrum emotional ranting of a pouty girlPart 1~ a little ranting I don't understand it. Let me set the stage. A guy compiles a profile that is intelligent and interesting. He begins to exchange emails with a girl, his words are thoughtful and polite. However, once the girl ventures into online conversation with him, everything he types revolves around sex! From questions about her masturbatory practices to what positions she likes, the guy becomes someone totally opposite who the girl was attracted to in the beginning. I know that the sex discussions have to come up at some point to see if both people are compatible, but why does it have to be the first thing independently asked? To be honest, it makes the girl think that one of two things are going on: a.) the guy isn’t getting any at all and is desperate for it. Or b.) the only thing the guy wants is to bust a nut and once he achieves that he is back to his normal life. I’m not a prude and I am a sexual being, but good grief I have to know more about someone other than they call themselves a dominant or master. A little bit of respect goes a long way. It’s not that I want something permanent right now, although it would be nice to meet the One for me, but its not something I’m determined to have immediately. I know I am pretty demanding most of the time, especially when it comes to a Partner. What do I want, you ask?  Update: I have figured it out! I know why the 'pushy-talk about sex before I'm ready' thing bothers me! If the guy cannot control his own testosterone, needs, and urges enough to be a considerate conversationalist while online... then how can he control it when/if we are together in person? And if he can't, how can he possibly begin to control another person? I do not want to be in another situation where the guy cannot control himself! Part 2~ a little pouting I just want to stomp my foot and whine “Someone pay attention to me!” Not my breasts, not my sexual thoughts, but ME! The little girl inside! The woman that I am! We’ve all had those moments where the lonely feeling is overwhelming. When I watch the news and hear about all these Americans who give their life in the war, on the streets, and in accidental fires… I wonder if the right One for me is even still alive out there. I hate feeling like this, having those types of thoughts. I get hit on a good bit when I go out, even if its at the gas station or taking a client to the ER. It’s not that I have a shortage of offers for male company, it’s that level of emotional/mental companionship that I can’t find. I’m in charge all the time at work and with my family, but I crave those moments of someone petting my hair as he whispers “don’t worry elana, I’m here.” Or even just having him pull my hair the right way telling me to focus on him, and everything else will work out.  I'm not always pouty. I'm not always pessimistic. But I'm not necessarily an optimistic romantic either. I am a closet romantic, my heart can be won with the small simple things. But I'm also realistic enough to know that the right one for me will be able to handle these moods or thoughts, even if all he does is draw me a hot bath and offer support.
Thursday, January 25, 2007 People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges. Dear Diary, I am very guilty of this. Sometimes its easier to lock parts of myself up so that they won't be hurt again. At least, that was my coping strategy for a long time. I know that I cannot change what happened in the past, and I'm not sure i would want to. Everything has made me who I am and I like that girl :) But at the same time, I wish I were a bit more trusting or at least that I viewed sex differently. Its not that I am a prune or even hung up, I just get uncomfortable talking about my personal preferences when it comes to sex or even intimate physical kink. I refuse to apologize for wanting needing requiring a mental/emotional connection with a man before I even care what happens physically. I do get lonely sometimes. This is new to me, I haven't really gotten lonely before, not like this. Maybe that means that growth has taken place and I am more open to something, so I miss it more. Or maybe its because I am so focused on work that I haven't left time for myself.. and since I am taking time for myself this year (resolution) I am realizing how lonely I have been the whole time? I wish I knew why I try to push people away when they begin to get closer to me. Its not something that I do on purpose, usually I still like the guy when I start picking those little arguments or voicing my opinions. I used to think its because I never really voiced my opinions honestly until I became emotionally invested in the 'friendship/relationship' and by then he didn't want to hear my opinions. Of course there is no way of knowing... my only hope is that the right One for me is not only patient but able to read between the lines. elana Labels: Dear Diary, Guys, quotes, thoughts on D/s or M/s
Sunday, December 03, 2006 Dear Diary, Last couple nights I have spent more time with Local-Guy. As nice as it was, and as much as I enjoy his company, I discovered things about Him that I don't know if I can... well it won't be good for me, professionally. So I'm not sure what I want to do, but I know what I need to do. elana Labels: Dear Diary, Guys
Friday, December 01, 2006 Dear Diary, I spent more time with Local-Guy last night and have plans to see him again tonight. We didn't do anything but talk and cuddle.. but it was nice... really nice. There is something about being with him, feels really good. I enjoy his presence and of course his touch. It's not anything sexual, its comforting and patient. But there is something I can't put my finger on... Or maybe I'm imagining it. Either way, I need to get back to work. elana Labels: Dear Diary, Guys
Thursday, November 30, 2006 Dear Diary, Last night I met Local-Guy for the first time. He was the same as he is on the phone, but communicates a lot better in person. He had told me he has a hard time reading people based solely on auditory information (phones) and it seems to be true. We've talked on the phone for two months if not a little longer, and it didn't feel like that was the first time we had met face to face. I didn't flinch when he touched my face or caressed the back of my neck, it was actually calming and comforting! He wasn't aggressive or grabby (not even when he kissed me), but I felt his presence even after we parted. I don't know~ maybe I'm just getting lonely and have imagined a connection to him that is forced or only there because I wanted it to be there. Maybe we are compatible and my fear is making me think that I'm imagining our connection. There are things about him that gets on my nerves a little bit, but we've talked about that and no one's perfect. There is something about everyone that gets on my nerves these days! haha But he's kind, patient, and seems gentle... three things I haven't experienced in a dating/romantic/power exchange relationship. Is it bad that I want to explore this with him? In a week or month I may write back with "what was I thinking?!" but for right now... I think I'm just going to let go and give myself permission to enjoy his company. :) For now, he makes me smile, and I sleep better after we talk. Plus I might be looking forward to feeling his touch again. elana Labels: Dear Diary, Guys
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~His Pixie~ my best fairy friend who dazzled up this template with her fabulous pixie dust and imagination.
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