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  ~Paris Hilton that’s just fabulous. ~Sex in the City music of your soul. ~Katharine Hepburn ~Margaret Cho ~Henry James
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Tuesday, March 24, 2009 I am so happy I am single. Don’t get me wrong, growing up I always thought by 30 I would not only be married but already have children. There are days now where I wish I had someone in my life, but more of an emotional support thing than a lonely thing. I guess that means I would be using Him, eh? LOL But most of the time, I am happy I am single. Sometimes, I think I am way too picky, but then I see these tantrums that reassure me I am making the right choice. Then again, the men in my family often are the ones who remind me that I’m better off single. I don’t understand what is going on with today’s adults. Was I brought up with a different set of ethics and an opposite view of what is acceptable behavior? I realize that I am speaking negatively about my own generation, but come on people. What is going on? Maybe I’m just a bitch who doesn’t give anyone any slack – but maybe these “adults” need to grow up. Things just seem simple to me. We make time for people and things that are important to us. If we are unable to do this, then that person or thing must not rank very high on our list of priorities right now. There isn’t anything wrong with that, at different times we all need a different precedence from time to time, but I think that for a committed relationship to work, one’s Partner must come first.  Unfortunately, that also means in times of danger or crisis. Yes I do well under pressure and I tend to step up during times of crisis, but I do not want a man who will hide behind me! I understand that it isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but its about manning up. Please don’t misunderstand, I don’t desire the macho man who pounds his chest and treats me as though I am incapable. I’m just hoping for some kind of balance between the two. The kicker, I believe, is how can a guy like this take control of another person? How can this kind of guy be my Dominant/Master/Daddy/Owner when he needs a babysitter himself?? Besides, if he is so easily upset and ungrounded, then he doesn't stand a chance with me. I was watching this new show on VH1 called Tough Love. It’s a reality show about girls who are being molded by a match-maker to be ready for a relationship. Anyway, he told the girls something that has truly stuck in my head. "Children whine and complain, women deal with it." I’m going to start using that! "Children whine and complain, men deal with it." One day the right Man will come along who will not only 'man up' and take life by the horns but also appreciate the fact I didn't waste any more of my time on squawl boxes. :) Of this, I have no doubt. Labels: cross-posted, Guys, rants, thoughts on D/s or M/s  
 Monday, July 02, 2007 Dear Diary, I know I have written about Cesar Millan before, He's the Dog Whisperer. Each time I watch his show I take away this 'yummy warm feeling' about what I am searching for. Granted, he works with dogs, and I am an educated human. But when it gets down to it, aren't we all just animals? He has this... calm quiet assertiveness that drives me absolutely crazy! The sound of his voice and watching his actions, just gives me goosebumps. So how come when I return to work and to my normal day-to-day activities I forget that it IS out there? If Ceasar Millan can be that way, surely there are others!?! He's just... yummy. Some submissives would be offended by being compared to an out of control dog, but when it gets down to it, we all get a little out of control when we aren't able to communicate our needs/desires/and wants. Also, I would love to learn to "live in the moment, exist in the moment" the way that Ceasar says that dog's do. And to be honest, yes I would remember the mistakes one makes, but if a Man was able to snap into that calm assertive controlling Team Leader role, I don't think my heart could help but to follow Him... Trust me, The Dog Whisperer is definitely worth watching!! elana Labels: Dear Diary, Guys, thoughts on D/s or M/s
Friday, April 27, 2007 If there is chemistry and common interests, the Dominant and submissive dynamics of our personality will naturally fall into place. All too often people are only focusing on the D/s aspect of the other person and then wonder why it goes horribly wrong. ~Anonymous I completely agree with this statement and think it is going to be my new motto. :) So many times I have overlooked certain things that aren't a match because the guy and I were a match D/s wise. Being a submissive isn't my complete focus in life, it is part of who I am but it is not the only thing that I am. If the person is the One meant for me, He and I will click in other ways too, and the power exchange dynamic will come naturally as we learn of each other and grow in trust. Labels: quotes, thoughts on D/s or M/s
Wednesday, April 18, 2007 What is my life if I am no longer useful to others. ~Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe This is something that has haunted me for a long time... I've always known that my purpose was to serve, help others, and do what I can to make things easier/better for other people. I have selected the group that I work with, devoting my time to those who needs my help. Even before I found M/s, I believed that I was to help others and be a supporter of those that need me. I was brought up in a small town Baptist family, my Dad was a Deacon and my Mom did Ladies Prayer Band and Children's Church. My family taught me to help serve the community with them. So when I found D/s it naturally fit. However... my body is screaming at me to slow down, take time, and be nice to myself. I understand that I will not always be able to do the things that I do now, work these hours, volunteer with this many organizations, take on the weight of my world (and my friends) and be fiercely independent in it. So where does that leave me? Topic provided by Kindlings Labels: Journal Prompts, quotes, thoughts on D/s or M/s
Sunday, April 15, 2007 An Iron-Gate essay about what a Dominant is... He is in control of himself first and foremost, so that he may control others. As a stern and demanding Dominant, he can cause his sub to cry real tears. As the consummate lover, he will then kiss the tears away, without ever stepping out of character. I hate to quote so much from somewhere else especially when I can post the link, but I really like these words and it gives me hope that there is someone out there who is real, kind, honorable, consistent, and also Dominant. I have often wrote about what about him makes a him the one who is able to teach me to be a better person, submissive, and friend. This explains is perfectly: "He must also show her that his guidance and tutoring is knowledgeable and deserving of her attention, that this is a man she can learn from, and trust his direction." Iron Gate has many essays that are good and informative. This is the one that spoke to me the most tonight... Hmm... maybe this should be my letter to Santa this year! haha elana Labels: Guys, quotes, thoughts on D/s or M/s
Monday, April 09, 2007 "I hate you..." I'm not sure how this quote makes me feel. On one hand, I like the thought of a Man having the ability to get me to do things I secretly want to do but am scared/embarrassed to do them on my own. On the other hand, something about the quote doesn't set right... I'm not sure if its because I secretly like it or because it bothers me deep down. The more that I think about it, the more that I read it... I think it doesn't set right because it is about someone having that level of control over another, or in this case, over me. That is one of the main things that I crave so badly. And I don't like being 'that' exposed, that vulnerable. Sometimes it makes me feel like a 'sitting duck' for the players out there. But if I am honest with myself, that only makes me attract those who aren't interested in who I truly am. So... I'll just be me. :) Because I'm fabulous! haha ;) Labels: quotes, thoughts on D/s or M/s
Saturday, April 07, 2007 An exert from 'A Submissive's Ethics' In time a submissive can trust her Dominant to make the right decisions in these regards. They will be the right decisions because with enough time He knows her well enough to make the right decision about her, and His temperament is such it will be the right decision for her as well as Him. I think this is the kinky version of a fairy tale. Nevertheless, its what I want. I want this level of trust. Labels: thoughts on D/s or M/s
Wednesday, April 04, 2007 Do D/s relationships tend to develop more quickly than vanilla relationships? Is it just a perception or is there something to this? This is something I have written about before, something I have given a lot of thought about. I think that a major reason that D/s relationships appear to move more quickly is that the physical needs are addressed much quicker than in a vanilla relationship. I will not say that people tend to be more upfront because not everyone is honest about his/her needs/wants in either situation. I think a reason that both people are more willing to "rush into" the physical side of things quicker than either would in a vanilla relationship is because having a like-minded view on things help one feel connected to the other, and that causes a certain amount of 'instant trust'. Especially after limits and safe words have been established. Safe calls set up before hand can also help both people feel more comfortable with taking things a bit quicker. Personally, I need time in any relationship to establish trust and want to take things to a more physical level. Just because someone 'claims' to be dominant doesn't mean that he/she has your best interest in heart. Then again, I have not had the best of luck in that department. :) So maybe it is my fear talking again. I just... part of me wishes that it was "normal" for things to move a bit slower -- not just physically but emotionally also. Although with all of the new people discovering power exchange online (like its a form of sexual monopoly) the new guys I meet think by demanding an instant blowjob they are "proving their dominance" or some crap like that. Plus its always easy for them to move along to someone else who will give them that blowjob once I refuse. So why take the time to get to know the girl? Then again, if that is all the guy is out for, I'm not interested in them anyway :) What makes that funny is that it is their policy, but in reverse. I don't like guys who come on strong because guys who come on fast and strong tend to fizzle out quickly. After a day or two, its like the guy can't keep up the farce and I'm left wondering what happened. *Topic provided by Sensual Service. For more about this topic, read this essay. I agree with what it says and like how she worded it. Labels: Journal Prompts, thoughts on D/s or M/s
Sunday, March 11, 2007 'You responded well to the taking,' I said. 'Perhaps it is fitting for you. 'You do not respect me,' she said 'You do not want to be respected,' I said. 'You want to be cherished, treasured, handled, abused, mastered, owned, subdued, forced to serve and love.' She was silent. ~Renegades of Gor Something about this quote lingers in my soul. "You do not want to be respected... you want to be cherished, treasured, handled, abused, mastered, owned, subdued, forced to serve and love." At first glance it may sound like a bad thing, but I cannot get it out of my head. Yes those are things I want, and to give me those things a Man cannot truly respect me in the sense of seeing me as an equal. And I don't want him to! I don't want to be his equal, I want to be his treasure, his possession, his pet, his cherished love, and sometimes his property. Good or bad, raining or sunshine, I want to be His. Deep down, I want to be His, truly His. But there is a difference between being disposable and being valued, because I want the second. Yes it may sound bad at first, but I want him to do anything- come hell or high water- to protect me, guide me, keep me safe and hold me close to Him... Not dispose of me like some two bit street whore picked up at 3a in an alley. Yes I am a feminist, I do not desire this because I am female and can not do it alone-- I want this because I have a gentle spirit, a giving heart, and a burning need to please and serve. Yes I could be happy alone, making my own decisions, doing my own thing, consumed in my own needs/wants... I could do it successfully... but I wouldn't be who I truly am. To me, this quote is about the difference of dynamics between man and woman, and Man and slave. Sometimes there is something more wonderful than being respected as an equal. Sometimes the best thing one could be, is His pet. *authors note: fictitious 'His/Him' because this adorable elana girl is single.* Labels: quotes, thoughts on D/s or M/s
Sunday, March 04, 2007 Most of us who enjoy power exchange have tried to come up with the best way to explain how important trust (which requires communication and consistency) is to a (power exchange) relationship. While exchanging emails with a new friend, he put into words what I have been struggling to say. Power exchange without developing trust is just playing out some fantasy. ~FeelMyDomination Its spelled out perfectly in this statement and he has given me permission to quote him. :) For me, "play" (I hate that word for it) without the trust is like acting out a scripted play instead of sharing something intense between the two. Of course I am probably reading a lot more into it than he intended, because for me, any play at all without power exchange is scripting out a fantasy. But I agree with what he stated too. Thank you again, Sir, for allowing me to post your words in my blog. elana Labels: quotes, thoughts on D/s or M/s
Saturday, January 27, 2007  What does being owned mean to me? I am including a picture with this post. The picture is not of me (obviously) but rather in response to this question. I agree with the script on the portrait. Ownership, feeling it or expressing it, is not physical. It is 100% mental. A strip of leather around someone’s neck doesn’t mean she is anyone’s possession, it is how he has molded her mindset that makes her that way. The emotional/mental connection between a man and a woman that causes her to put him before herself, in every way. Not because she has to, not because those are the rules, but because she longs to. To me, ownership is complete acceptance. He knows my flaws, seen my imperfections, understands my weaknesses-- and wants me because of them... not in spite of them. Because he can use his strengths to make me a better person. When owned, a girl doesn’t have to worry anymore about pleasing everyone else, what she is ‘supposed’ to do, or what she needs to do. Her only focus is pleasing him, serving him, belonging to him. *This post was inspired by a question posed in an email from a new Friend. Labels: project, thoughts on D/s or M/s
Thursday, January 25, 2007 People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges. Dear Diary, I am very guilty of this. Sometimes its easier to lock parts of myself up so that they won't be hurt again. At least, that was my coping strategy for a long time. I know that I cannot change what happened in the past, and I'm not sure i would want to. Everything has made me who I am and I like that girl :) But at the same time, I wish I were a bit more trusting or at least that I viewed sex differently. Its not that I am a prune or even hung up, I just get uncomfortable talking about my personal preferences when it comes to sex or even intimate physical kink. I refuse to apologize for wanting needing requiring a mental/emotional connection with a man before I even care what happens physically. I do get lonely sometimes. This is new to me, I haven't really gotten lonely before, not like this. Maybe that means that growth has taken place and I am more open to something, so I miss it more. Or maybe its because I am so focused on work that I haven't left time for myself.. and since I am taking time for myself this year (resolution) I am realizing how lonely I have been the whole time? I wish I knew why I try to push people away when they begin to get closer to me. Its not something that I do on purpose, usually I still like the guy when I start picking those little arguments or voicing my opinions. I used to think its because I never really voiced my opinions honestly until I became emotionally invested in the 'friendship/relationship' and by then he didn't want to hear my opinions. Of course there is no way of knowing... my only hope is that the right One for me is not only patient but able to read between the lines. elana Labels: Dear Diary, Guys, quotes, thoughts on D/s or M/s
Wednesday, December 27, 2006 For the past couple days/weeks I have been redefining what I am looking for, what I have to offer, and trying to be as honest with myself about my needs as possible. Anyway, tonight, as I was reading a couple of my favorite bloggers, I ran across words that truly touched my heart. I love how she describes her relationship with her Master and I realized that... I want that kind of respect in a relationship too. He put his foot down. Enough was enough. I was out of control, wild and terrified, yearning to be set free. Instead he wrapped his love around me. I really wanted to post this here, to add to my emotional wish-list, for lack of a better word. Maybe its just the mood I'm in tonight or maybe it is worded better than I can word it myself... Anyway, I just wanted to share it. :) Labels: thoughts on D/s or M/s
Tuesday, December 26, 2006 What characteristics make a guy the right person to help me become a better person? What gives someone the ability to mold me into a better person? or does that really happen? Is he helping me be a better version of myself or is all of his guidance confined to his sexual preferences? Why is the number one rule "no panties" or "no touching without permission" -- what ever happened to total honesty? unconditional self-respect? I began jotting down my thoughts on this post back in November but 'drafted' it because I didn't feel I had actually thought it through enough to share with others. Since I have been on my pre-holiday break some pretty traumatic things have taken place in my family that has brought these questions back up to my mind and expanded them to include a man in my life~ period. Not just a Dominant Man in my life. I have also realized that I need a relationship that not only has the potential for growth into something deeper, but demands growth in myself. Encouraging growth in one's partner is extremely important for maintaining a relationship over a period of time. If both people grow separately, that can cause things to fall apart. But when the relationship grows with both people, something amazing can come from it. I don't want a partner who thinks I am "good enough" or feels he should settle for me, but I want him to see potential for a deeper relationship. I want to become a better person because of his Dominance, not in spite of it. Labels: thoughts on D/s or M/s
Saturday, December 16, 2006 Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance. ~Oscar Wilde I have to say that, for me, this is true. I want a relationship that is romantic, in our own way. Flowers, candles, slow dancing, and whatnot aren't really for me. I'm crazy about those other little ways he shows he loves me, filling my car with gas, tucking me at night, selecting my clothing for an evening out, and a quick phone call during work to say he is thinking about me... those are the things that I find romantic. I've never really understood why guys always want to know "has anyone made you feel this way before?" or "no one has made you feel this good, have they?" and stuff like that. They want the truth but get hurt whenever someone has made you feel better, cum harder, or whatever. I'm not a good lier so they always no when I try and save face, not hurting their feelings and just say "no baby, just you". I don't understand why they ask these things. I do have things that I haven't experienced that I do hope to have with the right One for me, hopefully it will last throughout the relationship. Labels: quotes, thoughts on D/s or M/s
Friday, December 15, 2006 Like many other bloggers, I have a list of links that I like to read from day to day. Some speak to me more than others, but each of them have taught me something. Tonight I was reading toy's blog and it not only spoke to me... it slapped me in the face... demanding my attention.
There isn't really much I need to add to these exerts, but it really did cause a lot of thought. Plus I love how she worded it. I am a fiercely independent woman in my daily life, at work, and in my family... but when it comes to being in a private relationship, with a Man, I want so desperately to serve and be found pleasing... that I'm the furthest thing from independent. When I have a Dominant, I am definitely in the first paragraph of need but it gave me hope that things will not always be this way. But it is a bit unsettling yet oddly comforting to hear that the need for Him will continue, just be expressed in different ways. I like the thought of that. I only hope that the right One will have an equal need for me, for control of me, etc. Plus its nice to know I'm not the only needy little girl out there :) Labels: thoughts on D/s or M/s
Sunday, December 10, 2006 Tonight I was reading different forums on various pages and came across a post by a submissive woman about her distaste for her best friend's new Dominant. I was floored when I read her complaint, it was all I could do not to post my feelings in support of the Dominant! OK so here is the scenario: These two submissive women are best friends, according to the poster they are "real close". The friend just moved in with a new Dominant and He has restructured the rules in their home. The poster visited her friend and after a couple days was approached by the Dominant for being disrespectful. The poster said that she has a habit of talking over people talking or interrupt with a different story or something, and that her and her friend "did it all the time together", without knowing that was against His rules for the house. The poster argued with the Dominant and He told her to leave and not return until she could respect His rules for the household. The friend is very happy with the new Man in her life and His rules/structure, however the poster is furious. The poster cannot believe that He had the nerve to correct her and expect her to live by His rules~ because she is not His submissive. The poster said that she has pouted over this for a month or so before posting for advice/support. Now, here are my thoughts: I actually feel that both the friend and the poster are at fault. Asrai, my best friend, is also submissive and we have actually ran into that situation a couple times during our friendship. Not that we would actually argue with each other's Dominant, we have to much respect for each other to do that. Asrai would never let me enter their house without telling me the rules ~ especially ones she knows I will break unknowingly. Just as I would notify her of any rules or behavior changes would need to be made at my Dominant's house. From taking off my shoes to not calling the house after 9p, I will do whatever it takes to make things easier on my best friend and support her in this new relationship. Then again, if it was a rule that would make me extremely uncomfortable (example: nude time after 9p) asrai will let me know so at 8:50p I can be out of there! haha The point of this rant is that it doesn't matter if I like the rules or even the Dominant, if I love and respect my best friend then I should respect her choice of partner in her life. Plus, I feel that it is my job as her best friend to support her submission to him by obeying the rules He has put forth in His house. Lets just face it, if I don't like the rules then I can meet with her somewhere else other than their house :) Labels: rants, thoughts on D/s or M/s
Saturday, December 09, 2006 Submissive Feminism A rant by elana I watched True Hollywood Story (THS) today on Drew Barrymore. I like her as an actress, one of my favorite Barrymore movies is Ever After. It's the Cinderella story, but with a slight twist. In the movie, the girl known as Cinderella doesn't sit around and wait on Prince Charming to rescue her (like in the Disney version). She saves not only herself but others along the way. I like that concept, a lot. I think that society has molded generations of little girls into "victims" that are waiting to be rescued, not taking themselves seriously until they are a Mrs. I think, by then, its to late to take yourself seriously... because the guy you married might not see you that way. Many people say that my generation of women are stronger, more independent, and self-rescuers, but I don't think we are there yet. Our entertainment is moving in that direction, with movies such as Charlie's Angels, and shows like Buffy and Charmed. Even though feminism is making headway into Hollywood, it is still pretty clear that men should be the one saving the day. Disney is filled with masculine heroes, comic books, action movies, video games, cartoons~ you name it and women are the damsels in distress. Grace and I were both brought up on Disney movies/stories, but we were equally exposed to Red Sonja, Supergirl, Wonder Woman, and She-Ra (He-Man's ass kicking sister). Our parents encouraged us to think for ourselves, that anything is possible with hard work, dedication, and commitment to becoming a better person. Its kind of like in the Wizard of Oz, a path to self discovery showed Dorthy that she didn't need the 'Great and Powerful Oz' after all, everything she needed to make her dreams come true was inside her the whole time. Which is what our parents tried to instill in both Grace and myself. It didn't take with Grace, but I embraced it whole heartedly. I'm not a hairy legged ball busting femi-nazi. But don't tell me I can't do something because I'm a girl or worse~ a "lady". My southern pride kicks in and I will do it or hurt myself trying! I think this is where I get hypocritical sometimes. I want a man who is a man, acts like a man, and doesn't want to take a passive role in the relationship. I do have my moments of "help!" but they are often masked by my pride. However, the little girl side of me is able to voice them without retribution of it being used against me later on. Hmm maybe that is why I crave an emotional connection mirroring one between a Daddy and daughter (no I'm not attracted to my Father!)... but because he has been the only guy I can totally be vulnerable to without fear that he will attack when I'm weak or poke fun at my secrets. I don't know how to explain it. I don't want to be just someone a guy can live with, I want to be that girl he doesn't want to live without. I want him to be able to live without me and find happiness in his own life, but I want him to want to be with me... if that makes sense? I don't want to be solely responsible for someone's happiness and well-being, that is to much emotional pressure for elana. Then he doesn't want me for me, he wants me because he has to be with me... I want a guy who wants me for me, not because he is incapable of being alone. I submit because I want to, because I choose to, because I feel more complete when I am pleasing someone. It doesn't mean I am unable to live on my own, or that I'm not able to take care of myself. I don't NEED a power exchange relationship to be complete or to be who I am, but I prefer a power exchange relationship over a vanilla one. I don't think I am ever truly vanilla, not even when the guy I am seeing is vanilla. I am always myself, which means that I always put his desires before my own. For me, submission isn't sexual nor it isn't how I identify myself. At one time I did, but I have grown out of that. I no longer say "hello I'm submissive." Now I say "hello, I am elana." I have my own thoughts, opinions, and desires~ being submissive or slave doesn't mean I have to disregard my intelligence or other parts of myself. To me, it means that I put his needs before my own. I am not the robot type, and to pretend to be so would be a lie. And if I am acting that part, how can I demand honesty and integrity in a partner? Now that I have thoroughly confused myself, I'm going to bed. elana Labels: rants, thoughts on D/s or M/s
Friday, December 08, 2006 I don't have a Daddy to talk to, but if I did... this is what I would say.  Daddy? I don't like my room anymore and I don't want to be there tonight. The bed is cold, it mocks me tonight... teasing me with its emptiness, a void even teddy can't fill. The mirrors whispers negative things about me, my body, and all of those other mean things that are in the secret part of my mind. The darkness taunts me tonight, Daddy, not even my night light is able to comfort me... So, can teddy and I sleep in here with you? Please can we sleep in here tonight? We like your bed because it is non-judgmental, warm and inviting. It offers serenity in the warmth of your sheets, softness of your pillows, and the openness of your arms. I find peace before your mirror, Daddy. It shows me things through your eyes, whispering how you find me attractive. I don't even need a night light in here, Daddy. When you let me fall asleep first, I know you are keeping watch over me. Feeling your body heat against me protects me through the night, guarding against all those things that want to harm me. Everything I feel in your room confirms that I am yours... Goodnight Daddy, and thank you. Labels: Dear Diary, thoughts on D/s or M/s
Wednesday, December 06, 2006 A slave has so many parts to her to keep in balance, the little girl that needs always to be protected, the pet that needs her leash, the slut that needs the deeper release, and so many more. It takes the time and patience, to know when to be there for each part of her. ~Sir JW I really like how he worded this. I think that, as women, we tend to overlook parts of ourselves for the sake of helping others or serving others. There is a fragile balance within each woman. A couple days ago, I heard the difference between the golden rule and the women's golden rule. The golden rule states: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. The women's golden rule is: Do unto yourself as you do unto others. I am definitely guilty of not taking time for myself, not only to relax rest and regroup, but to pamper myself to a certain extent. I kind of like the thought of having a partner whose priority is also making sure that I take care of myself, or that he helps take care of me. I'm not saying I want a guy who is going to wait on me hand and foot, fixing my dinner and drawing my bath each night... but it would be nice for him to tell me every now and then "elana, lets go lay down for a few minutes" because I'm tired, or maybe he does start a hot bath or lights my candles when I need to relax. Some say that a man that does that is overly feminine or its "submissive traits". But I disagree. I don't think that emasculates him at all, I think that actually shows his strength. It also shows that he respects his partner and what she needs to keep herself in balance. Even if the only reason he does it is so that she may better serve him. :) Labels: thoughts on D/s or M/s
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~His Pixie~ my best fairy friend who dazzled up this template with her fabulous pixie dust and imagination.
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