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  ~Paris Hilton that’s just fabulous. ~Sex in the City music of your soul. ~Katharine Hepburn ~Margaret Cho ~Henry James
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Sunday, February 11, 2007 Dear Diary, I’m in a very weird place tonight. I’m sad, but more of in a wistful mood. After years of telling myself that I didn’t want certain things, over the last couple of months I have accepted that I do. However, now I am faced with the realization that I may not get those things I yearn for. It’s not that I am desperate or feel inadequate because I am single, because I know that I am neither. Some people believe that there is one person for everyone out there. I’m starting to wonder if the guy meant for me has passed on, maybe from the war or an auto accident, or anything. I know that is morbid, but it has an odd sense of comfort in thinking it. That would mean that it isn’t me, or isn’t my fault that it hasn’t happened for me yet. I don’t know that if I believe that there is only one person out there, but sometimes it’s a better thought than I am being rejected by hundreds of guys. I believe in God, I believe that He has me here for a purpose. I believe that God gives us desires that He will fulfill, so I don’t understand why I have a strong desire for a family of my own… Of course I was brought up that if you don’t get those things that you feel God has promised you, that it is because you were a “bad girl” and are going to hell. I think this is all going on because I am exhausted. My baby cousin is fixing to have a baby. My entire family is ecstatic and making a huge deal over the fact that she is having a baby when I “decided not to”. What makes it bother me is, that in a couple days I go back to the doctor to find out when he is going to schedule the procedure that will tell him if I can ever have children or if I need a hysterectomy. I know that all of this is playing into this melancholy mood also. I just… I want – I just don’t like this overwhelming loneliness. Its more than just wanting “someone there” because I have plenty PLENTY of offers from kinky guy friends who would love to spend the night with me. Its more than that. The intensity of my cravings for this is really attracting men with ticking bio-logical clocks of their own. Its not that I am desperately clinging to the hope of having a husband and a house full of kids ~ I do want to take time for a relationship to grow naturally… I’m just ready to meet the one for me. Even if I felt confident that He would find me, I’m just starting to doubt that there is such a guy. Truth be told, I have a couple kinky friends who are really pushing to come visit me and have 'no strings’ sexual encounters with me right now. That is usually flattering (not that I do those things with them, but the attention is somewhat flattering) but this time… its almost mocking me and what I want, but am unable to have. Maybe a nice long hot bath is what the doctor ordered. Either way, that’s where I am headed next. Keep your fingers crossed that I am able to get some sleep tonight. elana Labels: Dear Diary  
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~His Pixie~ my best fairy friend who dazzled up this template with her fabulous pixie dust and imagination.
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