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  ~Paris Hilton that’s just fabulous. ~Sex in the City music of your soul. ~Katharine Hepburn ~Margaret Cho ~Henry James
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Sunday, December 31, 2006  Elana's New Years PlansI will allow myself to make a phone call because I want to, not because I'm returning a call or its work related. Also I'm giving myself permission to end phone calls today, simply because I want to. I am not going to feel guilty because I no longer want to talk on the phone. I have a seduction planned for the New Year. This is someone I have known for decades but haven't truly gotten to know in a long time. I want to bring in the New Year with this person, someone kind, gentle, thoughtful, intelligent, and fun. In preparation for this special event, I have gotten out my favorite movie and arranged pillows on my freshly made bed. I have my favorite fresh fruit washed and in my fridge waiting on my special guest.  I'm going to start with a long hot slow bubble bath... Tonight I'm going to bring out my best candles, put on my favorite soft jazz CD.For this special occasion, I'm going to use my favorite bath salts, scented oils, and expensive exfoliating body scrubs. No expenses will be spared for this pampering. After my guest is dried, powered, and gotten a gentle massage with my best lotion we will snack on the fruit while beginning the movie. If my company wishes to fall asleep before the ball drops, that is perfectly fine with me. She deserves the opportunity to rest, relax, and doze if she chooses. The special guest is none other than this elana girl. I definitely need some quiet self-focused 'me' time after the month I have had with my family and work. For the first time in a long time, I won't be greeted into the New Year with a kiss ~ but for the first time in a long time I am actually looking forward to New Years. So goodbye 2006, and bring it on 2007! I will be rested and ready for you. :)  
 Saturday, December 30, 2006 based loosely on 'Taming of the Shrew', by William Shakespeare I've seen it a couple times, but this time the movie affected me. Part of me wants to roll my eyes at another teenage-girl ugly-duckling-turned-princess chick-flick. Kat's character was physically pretty but emotionally unattractive, very angry and fiercely independent-- until the end of the movie of course. :) And wouldn't you know it, that handsome delicious Heath Ledger was the one to get through to her with his bad-boy self. Anyway, I like the way that his character was (eventually) able to see through her facade and actually see her... not just her anger and pain, but who she truly was. Here's the part that got to me the most, its Kat's poem at the end of the movie. I hate the way you talk to me And the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots And the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick. It even makes me rhyme. I hate it... I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh; Even worse when you make me cry. I hate it when you're not around And the fact that you didn't call, But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you; Not even close; Not even a little bit; Not even at all. Here are a couple lyrics from the movie that touched me. You laugh, you cry, no one knows why Behold the thrill of it all... You're on the ride You might as well Open your eyes You will fly and you will crawl; God knows even angels fall. No such thing as you lost it all. God knows even angels fall. Artist: Jessica Riddle Song: Even Angels Fall Feeling guilty, And I'm worried, and I'm waking from a tormented sleep 'Cause this old love, you know it has me bound, But this new love cuts so deep. If I choose now, I'm bound to lose out; One of you is gonna have to fall... I need you, baby. Why do you come here, when you know I've got troubles enough? Why do you call me, when you know I can't answer the phone? And make me lie when I don't want to, And make someone else some kind of an unknowing fool? Make me stay when I should not? If you're so strong then resolve the weakness in me. Why do you come here, and pretend to be just passing by? I need to see you - I need to hold you - tightly. Artist: Joan Armatrading Song: The Weakness on Me I want you to want me I need you to need me I'd love you to love me I'm beggin' you to beg me I want you to want me I need you to need me I'd love you to love me I'll shine up my old brown shoes Put on a brand new shirt Get home early from work If you say that you love me Artist: Letters to Cleo Song: I Want You to Want Me Labels: lyrics, movies, quotes
Wednesday, December 27, 2006 For the past couple days/weeks I have been redefining what I am looking for, what I have to offer, and trying to be as honest with myself about my needs as possible. Anyway, tonight, as I was reading a couple of my favorite bloggers, I ran across words that truly touched my heart. I love how she describes her relationship with her Master and I realized that... I want that kind of respect in a relationship too. He put his foot down. Enough was enough. I was out of control, wild and terrified, yearning to be set free. Instead he wrapped his love around me. I really wanted to post this here, to add to my emotional wish-list, for lack of a better word. Maybe its just the mood I'm in tonight or maybe it is worded better than I can word it myself... Anyway, I just wanted to share it. :) Labels: thoughts on D/s or M/s
Tuesday, December 26, 2006 What characteristics make a guy the right person to help me become a better person? What gives someone the ability to mold me into a better person? or does that really happen? Is he helping me be a better version of myself or is all of his guidance confined to his sexual preferences? Why is the number one rule "no panties" or "no touching without permission" -- what ever happened to total honesty? unconditional self-respect? I began jotting down my thoughts on this post back in November but 'drafted' it because I didn't feel I had actually thought it through enough to share with others. Since I have been on my pre-holiday break some pretty traumatic things have taken place in my family that has brought these questions back up to my mind and expanded them to include a man in my life~ period. Not just a Dominant Man in my life. I have also realized that I need a relationship that not only has the potential for growth into something deeper, but demands growth in myself. Encouraging growth in one's partner is extremely important for maintaining a relationship over a period of time. If both people grow separately, that can cause things to fall apart. But when the relationship grows with both people, something amazing can come from it. I don't want a partner who thinks I am "good enough" or feels he should settle for me, but I want him to see potential for a deeper relationship. I want to become a better person because of his Dominance, not in spite of it. Labels: thoughts on D/s or M/s
Monday, December 25, 2006
~ * ~ * ~ * ~ Hmmm here is an interesting one. What makes it interesting is that I have been told this before. More times than I would care to admit. ~ * ~ * ~ * ~
You scored as Eyes full of Pain. People tend to overlook you, which makes you feel less worthy of their attentions. You sometimes wish you could just disappear from the world around you. You have been hurt very badly in the past and you just wish that someone would understand you, and what their cruelty is doing to you.
Labels: quiz results
Sunday, December 24, 2006 Everyone knows how I love personality quizzes and this one came to me in an email, I wanted to post it on my blog :) Read through it to see my results ~ elana If all of the desserts listed below were sitting in Front of you, which would you choose? (Sorry, you can only pick one!) Trust me...this is very accurate. Pick your dessert, then look to see what psychiatrists think about you. No peeking at the answers! Here are your choices: 1. Angel Food Cake 2. Brownies 3. Lemon Meringue 4. Vanilla cake with Chocolate Icing 5. Strawberry Short Cake 6. Chocolate on Chocolate 7. Ice Cream 8. Carrot Cake No, you can't change your mind once youscroll down, so think carefully what your choice will be. Now that you've made your choice this is what research says about you... 1. ANGEL FOOD CAKE -- Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love All warmand fuzzy items. A little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an icecream cone at the end of the day. Others perceive you as being childlikeand immature at times. 2. BROWNIES -- You are adventurous, love new ideas, achampion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up you pull out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique Sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal. 3. LEMON MERINGUE -- Smooth, sexy, and articulate. Good with your hands; you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have many friends. 4. VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING -- Fun-loving, Sassy, humorous, not very grounded in life; very indecisive and lack motivation. Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others Should be cautious in making you mad. However you are a friend for life. (This one was my choice and.... pretty accurate!) 5. STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE -- Romantic, warm, loving. You care aboutother people, can be counted on in a pinch and expect the Same inreturn. Intuitively keen. Can be very emotional 6. CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE -- Sexy; always ready to Give and receiveVery creative, adventurous, ambitious, and passionate. You can appear tohave a cold exterior but are warm on the inside. Not Afraid to takechances Will not settle for anything average in life. Love To laugh. 7. ICE CREAM -- You like sports, whether it be baseball,football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like toparticipate, but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give upthe remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance. 8. CARROT CAKE -- You are a very fun loving person wholikes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out withyou. You are a very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times.You have many loyal friends. Labels: quiz results
Monday, December 18, 2006  I'm going on vacation until Christmas Eve night~ yay! Guess Santa will be dropping me off on his way through this part of Tennessee ;) Happy Holidays! Labels: pictures
Saturday, December 16, 2006 Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance. ~Oscar Wilde I have to say that, for me, this is true. I want a relationship that is romantic, in our own way. Flowers, candles, slow dancing, and whatnot aren't really for me. I'm crazy about those other little ways he shows he loves me, filling my car with gas, tucking me at night, selecting my clothing for an evening out, and a quick phone call during work to say he is thinking about me... those are the things that I find romantic. I've never really understood why guys always want to know "has anyone made you feel this way before?" or "no one has made you feel this good, have they?" and stuff like that. They want the truth but get hurt whenever someone has made you feel better, cum harder, or whatever. I'm not a good lier so they always no when I try and save face, not hurting their feelings and just say "no baby, just you". I don't understand why they ask these things. I do have things that I haven't experienced that I do hope to have with the right One for me, hopefully it will last throughout the relationship. Labels: quotes, thoughts on D/s or M/s
Friday, December 15, 2006 Like many other bloggers, I have a list of links that I like to read from day to day. Some speak to me more than others, but each of them have taught me something. Tonight I was reading toy's blog and it not only spoke to me... it slapped me in the face... demanding my attention.
There isn't really much I need to add to these exerts, but it really did cause a lot of thought. Plus I love how she worded it. I am a fiercely independent woman in my daily life, at work, and in my family... but when it comes to being in a private relationship, with a Man, I want so desperately to serve and be found pleasing... that I'm the furthest thing from independent. When I have a Dominant, I am definitely in the first paragraph of need but it gave me hope that things will not always be this way. But it is a bit unsettling yet oddly comforting to hear that the need for Him will continue, just be expressed in different ways. I like the thought of that. I only hope that the right One will have an equal need for me, for control of me, etc. Plus its nice to know I'm not the only needy little girl out there :) Labels: thoughts on D/s or M/s
Thursday, December 14, 2006  Oh Baby check me out. haha! Maybe I should come with a warning label ;) haha Then again, I have made more than one guy whimper "oh my god" *angelic smile* haha but some guys only need a warm spot :P Labels: quiz results
Tuesday, December 12, 2006 The dictionary explains chemistry as 1.) chemical properties, reactions, phenomena, etc. 2.) the interaction of one personality with another.
Those who restrain their desires, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained. ~William Blake Labels: Dear Diary
Monday, December 11, 2006 Dear Diary, I saw a commercial for a new Lifetime movie that I want to watch. It is called To Be Fat Like Me and will be on January 8, 2007. I'm hoping that I remember to tell asrai about the movie so she can watch it too if she's able to. This has been something she and I have discussed, and to be honest it is a topic that people don't think about until they are in the situation. Here is a summary of the movie. Everyone knows high school can be tough — but when you're an overweight teen, it can be the longest few years of your life. Fortunately for Aly, a popular and athletic junior, she's never had that problem. But the teen gets a taste of the flip side when she dons a fat suit and goes undercover at a rival high school. You'll be shocked by what her hidden camera reveals in this movie based on a true story. Starring Kaley Cuoco and Caroline Rhea. Here is another summary of the movie.  Pretty, popular, athletic 17-year-old Aly is on the fast track to college when an accident blows out her knee and any chance for an athletic scholarship. A documentary contest, and her mother's constant struggle with weight, gives her the idea to go undercover at high school wearing a "fat suit" and hidden camera to prove that personality can outshine physical difference. Aly has always been slim and confident, so she is totally unprepared for the reality of how the world treats a "fat" girl, and she begins to understand how intolerant she has been of her own mother's experience. Starring Kaley Cuoco and Caroline Rhea.Labels: Dear Diary
Sunday, December 10, 2006 Tonight I was reading different forums on various pages and came across a post by a submissive woman about her distaste for her best friend's new Dominant. I was floored when I read her complaint, it was all I could do not to post my feelings in support of the Dominant! OK so here is the scenario: These two submissive women are best friends, according to the poster they are "real close". The friend just moved in with a new Dominant and He has restructured the rules in their home. The poster visited her friend and after a couple days was approached by the Dominant for being disrespectful. The poster said that she has a habit of talking over people talking or interrupt with a different story or something, and that her and her friend "did it all the time together", without knowing that was against His rules for the house. The poster argued with the Dominant and He told her to leave and not return until she could respect His rules for the household. The friend is very happy with the new Man in her life and His rules/structure, however the poster is furious. The poster cannot believe that He had the nerve to correct her and expect her to live by His rules~ because she is not His submissive. The poster said that she has pouted over this for a month or so before posting for advice/support. Now, here are my thoughts: I actually feel that both the friend and the poster are at fault. Asrai, my best friend, is also submissive and we have actually ran into that situation a couple times during our friendship. Not that we would actually argue with each other's Dominant, we have to much respect for each other to do that. Asrai would never let me enter their house without telling me the rules ~ especially ones she knows I will break unknowingly. Just as I would notify her of any rules or behavior changes would need to be made at my Dominant's house. From taking off my shoes to not calling the house after 9p, I will do whatever it takes to make things easier on my best friend and support her in this new relationship. Then again, if it was a rule that would make me extremely uncomfortable (example: nude time after 9p) asrai will let me know so at 8:50p I can be out of there! haha The point of this rant is that it doesn't matter if I like the rules or even the Dominant, if I love and respect my best friend then I should respect her choice of partner in her life. Plus, I feel that it is my job as her best friend to support her submission to him by obeying the rules He has put forth in His house. Lets just face it, if I don't like the rules then I can meet with her somewhere else other than their house :) Labels: rants, thoughts on D/s or M/s
Saturday, December 09, 2006 Submissive Feminism A rant by elana I watched True Hollywood Story (THS) today on Drew Barrymore. I like her as an actress, one of my favorite Barrymore movies is Ever After. It's the Cinderella story, but with a slight twist. In the movie, the girl known as Cinderella doesn't sit around and wait on Prince Charming to rescue her (like in the Disney version). She saves not only herself but others along the way. I like that concept, a lot. I think that society has molded generations of little girls into "victims" that are waiting to be rescued, not taking themselves seriously until they are a Mrs. I think, by then, its to late to take yourself seriously... because the guy you married might not see you that way. Many people say that my generation of women are stronger, more independent, and self-rescuers, but I don't think we are there yet. Our entertainment is moving in that direction, with movies such as Charlie's Angels, and shows like Buffy and Charmed. Even though feminism is making headway into Hollywood, it is still pretty clear that men should be the one saving the day. Disney is filled with masculine heroes, comic books, action movies, video games, cartoons~ you name it and women are the damsels in distress. Grace and I were both brought up on Disney movies/stories, but we were equally exposed to Red Sonja, Supergirl, Wonder Woman, and She-Ra (He-Man's ass kicking sister). Our parents encouraged us to think for ourselves, that anything is possible with hard work, dedication, and commitment to becoming a better person. Its kind of like in the Wizard of Oz, a path to self discovery showed Dorthy that she didn't need the 'Great and Powerful Oz' after all, everything she needed to make her dreams come true was inside her the whole time. Which is what our parents tried to instill in both Grace and myself. It didn't take with Grace, but I embraced it whole heartedly. I'm not a hairy legged ball busting femi-nazi. But don't tell me I can't do something because I'm a girl or worse~ a "lady". My southern pride kicks in and I will do it or hurt myself trying! I think this is where I get hypocritical sometimes. I want a man who is a man, acts like a man, and doesn't want to take a passive role in the relationship. I do have my moments of "help!" but they are often masked by my pride. However, the little girl side of me is able to voice them without retribution of it being used against me later on. Hmm maybe that is why I crave an emotional connection mirroring one between a Daddy and daughter (no I'm not attracted to my Father!)... but because he has been the only guy I can totally be vulnerable to without fear that he will attack when I'm weak or poke fun at my secrets. I don't know how to explain it. I don't want to be just someone a guy can live with, I want to be that girl he doesn't want to live without. I want him to be able to live without me and find happiness in his own life, but I want him to want to be with me... if that makes sense? I don't want to be solely responsible for someone's happiness and well-being, that is to much emotional pressure for elana. Then he doesn't want me for me, he wants me because he has to be with me... I want a guy who wants me for me, not because he is incapable of being alone. I submit because I want to, because I choose to, because I feel more complete when I am pleasing someone. It doesn't mean I am unable to live on my own, or that I'm not able to take care of myself. I don't NEED a power exchange relationship to be complete or to be who I am, but I prefer a power exchange relationship over a vanilla one. I don't think I am ever truly vanilla, not even when the guy I am seeing is vanilla. I am always myself, which means that I always put his desires before my own. For me, submission isn't sexual nor it isn't how I identify myself. At one time I did, but I have grown out of that. I no longer say "hello I'm submissive." Now I say "hello, I am elana." I have my own thoughts, opinions, and desires~ being submissive or slave doesn't mean I have to disregard my intelligence or other parts of myself. To me, it means that I put his needs before my own. I am not the robot type, and to pretend to be so would be a lie. And if I am acting that part, how can I demand honesty and integrity in a partner? Now that I have thoroughly confused myself, I'm going to bed. elana Labels: rants, thoughts on D/s or M/s
Friday, December 08, 2006 I don't have a Daddy to talk to, but if I did... this is what I would say.  Daddy? I don't like my room anymore and I don't want to be there tonight. The bed is cold, it mocks me tonight... teasing me with its emptiness, a void even teddy can't fill. The mirrors whispers negative things about me, my body, and all of those other mean things that are in the secret part of my mind. The darkness taunts me tonight, Daddy, not even my night light is able to comfort me... So, can teddy and I sleep in here with you? Please can we sleep in here tonight? We like your bed because it is non-judgmental, warm and inviting. It offers serenity in the warmth of your sheets, softness of your pillows, and the openness of your arms. I find peace before your mirror, Daddy. It shows me things through your eyes, whispering how you find me attractive. I don't even need a night light in here, Daddy. When you let me fall asleep first, I know you are keeping watch over me. Feeling your body heat against me protects me through the night, guarding against all those things that want to harm me. Everything I feel in your room confirms that I am yours... Goodnight Daddy, and thank you. Labels: Dear Diary, thoughts on D/s or M/s
Thursday, December 07, 2006 I just thought this was funny!  Labels: pictures
I haven't been feeling to well, my sinuses are successfully kicking my rump. I have a couple clients who are home sick also, so my house feels more like a hospital right now. haha Thankfully my staff are stepping up to the plate and playing mommy for me so I can rest. Normally when my clients are sick I am the one checking temps every two hours, monitoring intake/output, elevating pillows/mattresses, filling vaporizers, and pushing fluids. I do my best to count my blessings every day, not just during this time of year. But times like this, when others lend a helping hand, really makes me even more humble and grateful. As far as my own health goes, so far so good. No temperature today and I'm keeping foods down. I'm still exhausted and resting a lot, but at least I don't have a fever. So I'm getting there. :)
Wednesday, December 06, 2006 A slave has so many parts to her to keep in balance, the little girl that needs always to be protected, the pet that needs her leash, the slut that needs the deeper release, and so many more. It takes the time and patience, to know when to be there for each part of her. ~Sir JW I really like how he worded this. I think that, as women, we tend to overlook parts of ourselves for the sake of helping others or serving others. There is a fragile balance within each woman. A couple days ago, I heard the difference between the golden rule and the women's golden rule. The golden rule states: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. The women's golden rule is: Do unto yourself as you do unto others. I am definitely guilty of not taking time for myself, not only to relax rest and regroup, but to pamper myself to a certain extent. I kind of like the thought of having a partner whose priority is also making sure that I take care of myself, or that he helps take care of me. I'm not saying I want a guy who is going to wait on me hand and foot, fixing my dinner and drawing my bath each night... but it would be nice for him to tell me every now and then "elana, lets go lay down for a few minutes" because I'm tired, or maybe he does start a hot bath or lights my candles when I need to relax. Some say that a man that does that is overly feminine or its "submissive traits". But I disagree. I don't think that emasculates him at all, I think that actually shows his strength. It also shows that he respects his partner and what she needs to keep herself in balance. Even if the only reason he does it is so that she may better serve him. :) Labels: thoughts on D/s or M/s
Tuesday, December 05, 2006 I like this song, but not necessarily from a romantic relationship standpoint but more from a best friend point of view. I heard the song today while I was driving home and thought of Asrai. I am so thankful for her compassion, and her friendship. She always knows what to say to bring me back to reality and she understands what I'm going through... Which means she knows how to comfort me, help me think through different issues, and everything. She's my best friend. I love you Asrai :) (In a different way than this song suggests though. haha) You Save Me Sung by Kenny Chesney Every now and then I get a little lost The strings all get tangled The wires all get crossed Every now and then I’m right upon the edge Danglin’ my toes out over the ledge I just thank God you’re here ['Cause] when I’m a bullet shot out of a gun ['Cause] when I’m a firecracker comin’ undone When I’m a fugitive ready to run All wild-eyed and crazy No matter where my reckless soul takes me Baby you save me It’s hard lovin’ a man That’s got a gypsy soul I don’t know how you do it I’m not sure how you know The perfect thing to say To save me from myself You’re the angel that believes in me Like nobody else And I thank God you do Well I know I don’t tell you nearly enough I couldn’t live one day without your love When I’m a ship tossed around on the waves Up on a high wire that’s ready to break When I’ve had just about all I can take Baby, you, Baby you save me Labels: lyrics
Monday, December 04, 2006 I've seen this saying a couple years ago. Then when I ran across this image I thought I would post it. Its kind of how I feel about my job and working with my clients, as well as with children. I really think that the important thing is who we are important to, and why. If that makes sense. That's what people remember, that's what gives us that good feeling. I've also heard the saying "People won't remember what you say, but they will always remember how you made them feel."  Labels: pictures
Sunday, December 03, 2006 Dear Diary, Last couple nights I have spent more time with Local-Guy. As nice as it was, and as much as I enjoy his company, I discovered things about Him that I don't know if I can... well it won't be good for me, professionally. So I'm not sure what I want to do, but I know what I need to do. elana Labels: Dear Diary, Guys
Saturday, December 02, 2006 Leroy the Redneck Reindeer Sung by Joe Diffie Well you've all heard the story About Rudolph and his nose Well I'll tell you a Christmas tell That never has been told Well you may think you've heard it all But you ain't heard nothin' yet About that crazy Christmas That the North Pole can't forget Rudolph was under the weather And had to call in sick So he got on the horn To his cousin Leroy Who lived out in the sticks  He said Santa's really counting on me And I hate to pass the buck Leroy said Hey I'm on my way And he jumped in his pick-up truck When Leroy got to the North Pole All the reindeer stiggered and laughed They never seen a deer in overalls And a John Deer tractor hat Well Santa stepped in And said just calm down Cuz we all got a job to do Like it or not Leroy's in charge And he's gonna be leading you And it was Leroy The Redneck Reindeer Hooked to the front of the sleigh Delivering toys to all the good ol' boys And girls along the way He's just a down home party animal Two Steppin all across the sky He makes jingle bells with the rebel yell And made history that night Before that night was over And it was Leroy The Redneck Reindeer Leroy had changed there tune He had them scootin a holf On every single roof By the light of a neon moon Santa wrapped his bad with the dixie flag He as having the time of his life You could here him call Merry Chistmas Yall And all of yall a goodnight Hooked to the front of the sleigh Delivering toys to all the good ol' boys And girls along the way He's just a down home party animal Two Steppin all across the sky He makes jingle bells with the rebel yell And made history that night He makes Jingle Bells with the rebel yell And made history that night Labels: lyrics
Friday, December 01, 2006 Dear Diary, I spent more time with Local-Guy last night and have plans to see him again tonight. We didn't do anything but talk and cuddle.. but it was nice... really nice. There is something about being with him, feels really good. I enjoy his presence and of course his touch. It's not anything sexual, its comforting and patient. But there is something I can't put my finger on... Or maybe I'm imagining it. Either way, I need to get back to work. elana Labels: Dear Diary, Guys
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~His Pixie~ my best fairy friend who dazzled up this template with her fabulous pixie dust and imagination.
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