|
  ~Paris Hilton that’s just fabulous. ~Sex in the City music of your soul. ~Katharine Hepburn ~Margaret Cho ~Henry James
|
Thursday, November 30, 2006 Dear Diary, Last night I met Local-Guy for the first time. He was the same as he is on the phone, but communicates a lot better in person. He had told me he has a hard time reading people based solely on auditory information (phones) and it seems to be true. We've talked on the phone for two months if not a little longer, and it didn't feel like that was the first time we had met face to face. I didn't flinch when he touched my face or caressed the back of my neck, it was actually calming and comforting! He wasn't aggressive or grabby (not even when he kissed me), but I felt his presence even after we parted. I don't know~ maybe I'm just getting lonely and have imagined a connection to him that is forced or only there because I wanted it to be there. Maybe we are compatible and my fear is making me think that I'm imagining our connection. There are things about him that gets on my nerves a little bit, but we've talked about that and no one's perfect. There is something about everyone that gets on my nerves these days! haha But he's kind, patient, and seems gentle... three things I haven't experienced in a dating/romantic/power exchange relationship. Is it bad that I want to explore this with him? In a week or month I may write back with "what was I thinking?!" but for right now... I think I'm just going to let go and give myself permission to enjoy his company. :) For now, he makes me smile, and I sleep better after we talk. Plus I might be looking forward to feeling his touch again. elana Labels: Dear Diary, Guys  
 Wednesday, November 29, 2006 I think we all have moments of feeling like this. Especially when we meet someone we enjoy spending time with but are afraid that if they look to closely... we will make that person cry... or find some way to hurt him.
Labels: lyrics
I don't like a lot of traditional love songs, they are about this perfect connection, perfect emotion between two perfect people.. and life isn't that way. However, this has to be one of my favorite love songs. Its real, no one is perfect and this song embraces that. It's those little things are what mean so very very much, and can make or break your relationship. I don't think that most men realize that when it comes to winning and keeping a woman's heart, its about those little things that either take a second of his time or he takes totally for granted... Plus Brad Paisley has one of those deliciously smooth voices... yum :) Little Moments sung by Brad Paisley Well I'll never forget the first time that I heard Labels: lyrics
Tuesday, November 28, 2006 I found these blocks (forms of blinkies) and they really hit home. I don't have room on my layout and don't think they would really fit with the rest of my blinkies so I am posting them here :)    I like these too, they spoke to the little girl side of me:         for asrai, my best friend:       also for asrai:       Labels: pictures
elana's horoscopes:  LEO: A variety of circumstances that have been stirring up anxiety may now reach the boiling point. But just before the critical temperature is reached, everything cools just enough to prevent the real action from taking place. You don't want your emotions to spill over, but withholding them will just make matters worse. Keeping your eyes on the big picture can prevent any unneeded frustration. LEO: Your roar turns into a muted purr. The stars give you a dose of some sweet, slow energy. Savor the moment. It wouldn't hurt to take a trip down memory lane while you're at it. An old friend wants to hear from you. and for Asrai: TAURUS: Others may encourage you to get started but you might not be interested in doing much today at all. Your resistance to work now is not about laziness; it's about whether or not your extra effort is really worth it. Outside coercion will only make you more stubborn. Trust your judgment, for you probably won't accomplish anything unless you are willing to exert yourself beyond the call of duty.  TAURUS: Laughter and chaos: it seems like you're torn between one and the other. It can get a little messy, but it does feel good to be alive no matter what. Your normal sense of stability will get you an even keel soon.
Sunday, November 26, 2006 Dear Diary, I had a good holiday vacation, I got in late last night. I got a good bit of work done and I feel rested, so once you add in my Grandmother's oven baked turkey I had a great time :) This morning I was flipping channels before work and ran across one of the movies I hate to discover. It's an intense movie, but I hate watching it. It's like a car wreck, I know I shouldn't look but I can't take my eyes off of it. The movie always brings me to tears and lifts my spirits at the same time. This movie is A Walk to Remember. The movie is about two teenagers who are  total opposites, but they spend some time together and fall in love. And like all of these other girly movies out there, they have obstacles to overcome to be together... the biggest turns out to be her health condition. More importantly the movie is about the purity of real love, and how it molds both people into better people~ not just meeting the immediate needs of one or the other. The movie gives me hope... even though that sounds dorky. I always advise others to watch this movie with some tissues, if they haven't seen it.Off to work, elana Labels: Dear Diary
Saturday, November 25, 2006 Don't call me at night and expect me to believe that you've been thinking about me all day long. Don't call me around midnight and expect me to believe that you miss me. Don't wait until its dark and you are all alone to think of me. If I haven't crossed your mind before then, don't dig me out of the back corner and expect me to believe empty words. Phone calls late at night mean nothing to me, because the only thing you are saying is that yes you thought of me, when you were lonely enough. I will tell you what means something to me, a phone call in the morning when you are busy and take two minutes to say "good morning elana, I hope you slept well." Send me an email when you are between meetings just to say hello. It only takes a small effort to change my heart. Labels: elana
Friday, November 17, 2006 I am going out of town for a few days. So before heading out, I checked my horoscope. Also, I posted my best friend's here too :) elana's: You're almost certain, but not quite. Your worries are needless. A valuable piece of information is about to fall into your lap right when you need it. Until then, proceed as planned and keep the faith. asrai's: Gather all of the information before you make a move. That means taking it nice and slow, no matter what. If someone pressures you for an answer, just tell them you're still in the discovery process. Happy Spanksgiving!
Thursday, November 16, 2006 I have picked up a new hobby over the last couple months. I have been researching stress reduction and relaxation. In the past, a hot bubble bath was all I needed to relax~ but these days it takes more than that. A technique that I do enjoy is a combination of visualized breathing and progressive muscle relaxation. Even though I didn't always know the proper terms for the procedures, my Ex-Owner and ex-sub-brother taught me how to do them. It used to be part of a pre and post scene routines that I followed. It helped clear my mind and help me get into the head space She needed me to be in. I never thought that four years later I would be resurrecting those lessons to help me cope with my daily life. I learned a lot of things growing up that helped me when I began exploring the structured lessons of a power exchange relationship. I was brought up to respect authority, follow the rules, be proactive instead of reactive, and to put the other person first. Yes, I was brought up to be a Baptist housewife. haha It's not that my parent's didn't hope I would be a productive working member of society but just in case I choose to be a Baptist housewife they didn't want me to embarrass them by my lack of hostessing ability. They looked over the fact that I hate to cook and tend not to cook very well because I'm so easily distracted. But when it comes to having people over and putting on a pretty display and making others feel comfortable, I'm your gal. Imagine my surprise that those skills not only came in handy in the 'lifestyle' but made me pretty popular with the others in our community. It was pretty cool, because all I had to do was be myself and demonstrate how I was brought up and I was an instant success! :) So now I am going back to those visualizing techniques to find my balance, my center, and re-learn how to relax :) Wish me luck! Labels: thoughts on D/s or M/s
Wednesday, November 15, 2006 Dear little girl, I have not been very kind to you and I owe you an apology. I have put myself first, trying to shut you out of my mind and my life. That wasn't fair to you, nor was it very nice. I never meant to hurt you or make you feel like you had been forgotten. I am always trying to protect you from others who don't understand that I forget I don't always understand either. I am sorry that I have judged your colorings so harshly, I know that you do not focus on the lines but how the colors make you feel. I am sorry that I have limited your bubble baths to once a month. You deserve time to relax, play, and venture into that underwater world you love so much. I am sorry that I have taken replaced your pink toenail polishes with my red. I know you aren't fond of such dark colors, preferring bright cheerful polishes. I am sorry, sweet little girl, for mocking your belief in magic. I know that it is important to you, for it is with magic that transforms you to another world, in which animals/toys talk, leprechauns bring luck, fairies can fly, wishing wells only need a penny to make your dreams come true, and everyone is naturally good. I will do my best to not bury you with work, stress, and adult-foolishness. I will no longer subject you to guys who I know do not respect your needs, desires, and fears. I promise, little girl, to make you one of my priorities until I meet the right One who wants you for his own. elana Labels: elana
Tuesday, November 14, 2006 If I could go a walking by the water's side, be cool to have you with me nothing to hide. Smiles blooming like the flowers after the gentle rain, and among the smiles, some laughter to ease the daily pain. How cool would that be, how sweet to see, you smiling and waving back at me. ~Richard Rogers, 2006 See more of Richard Roger's work at It Baffles Science! Labels: quotes
Monday, November 13, 2006  Dear Diary,This weekend the good folks at TBS played 'The Wizard of Oz' about six times! And, I am happy to say, I watched it four and a half times :) I love that movie! The costumes, characters, plot twists, script and song structures, effects, EVERYTHING is just amazing! The music makes me sing along, the one liners make me laugh, my heart still races when the Evil Witch of the West sends the flying monkeys after the quirky quartet. Each time I watch this brilliant movie it feels like the first time! Oh and don't forget the movie trivia! Here are a few of my favorite quotes/parts of this masterpiece: I've waited twenty-three years to tell you what I think about you. Now being a Christian woman I just can't say it. ~Auntie EmYou have no powers here. Be gone! Before somebody drops a house on you! ~Glinda  'If you don't have a brain how can you talk?' asked Dorthy. 'Some people without brains do an awfully lot of talking,' replied the Scarecrow. 'You are a very bad man,' said Dorthy. 'I'm actually a very good man,' said the Wizard, 'just a very bad wizard.' Hearts will never be practical until they can be made to be unbreakable. ~Wizard A heart is not judged by now much you love, but how much you are loved by others. ~Wizard Labels: Dear Diary, movies, quotes
Sunday, November 12, 2006 Dear Diary, I'm not sad, but I cry regularly. I'm not depressed, I'm actually in a good mood with happy thoughts. But I cry regularly. It can be a commercial, a song, a magazine article, or an offhand comment made by someone within my earshot. Its just like someone pulls the stopper and for a minute I can't breath, tightness floods in and I can't fight the tears... or I don't want to fight the tears. I can't fight them anymore, I'm to weak. I'm not crying for anything in particular, but whatever it is it feels extremely personal. Last night I was reading an article in 'People' magazine about a soldier who was seriously injured while in Iraq. He proposed to his high school girlfriend before going overseas, but the wedding had to be postponed because she spent a year by his side in the hospital. First in ICU for months then in a rehab hospital. He had lost fingers on his right hand, half of his left arm (and his whole hand), his ears, nose and eye sockets. The plastic surgeon sculpted him a new face enough so that he can see, breath, talk, and eat normally... but he came home with a prosthetic nose, ears, and arm. He refuses to wear the prosthetic pieces because they are to difficult to glue into place. He told the reporter that he kept telling his girlfriend that she didn't have to marry him and all that, but of course she did anyway. (I say 'of course' because usually these stories in magazines go in that direction.) They had pictures of their wedding, and you could just feel her love for him, and his for her. 'People' interviewed interviewed him and his wife, she said that she always seen the man she fell in love with, and has gotten use to his new look. The article was intense... and of course I cried. But even if I wasn't so moody right now I would of cried. Songs on the radio trigger me too, oh and don't forget those movies that tear my stomach up from fighting back tears. Geeze I'm such a dork. I do have some hormone stuff (that I'm not going into here) that could be why I am so emotional right now. Plus it would count for the other stuff too. Mom reminded me that I have gone through this before, so I am trying to wait it out. Labels: Dear Diary
Saturday, November 11, 2006 Sometimes inspiration finds us when we need it, in the least likely of places. I've had a good week but in the back of my head I've had a lot of quiet self-doubts. Anyway, tonight I was getting gas and the car next to mine had the radio cranked way up. I've heard this song a dozen times, but tonight I actually listened and… wanted to post it here.  Mountains Sung by Lonestar Lucinda Jones workin' at the IHOP: Ten years worth of bacon, eggs an' tears She's waited on every creed an' color, While waitin' on this day to get here Graveyard shifts, two big tips, Makin' every quarter count, Was worth it all to see her son, In that cap an' gown There are times in life when you gotta crawl, Lose your grip, trip an' fall When you can't lean on no-one else: That's when you find yourself I've been around an' I've noticed that, Walkin's easier when the road is flat Them danged ol' hills'll get you every time Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains, So we could learn how to climb Bobby, Bobby Dunn came back from the war, Lost his leg but they couldn't take his will Hell bent to run in that local marathon, He trained through the endless pain an' pills It hurt so bad that sometimes, He just had to cry, He didn't stop until he crossed, That finish line There are times in life when you gotta crawl, Lose your grip, trip an' fall When you can't lean on no-one else: That's when you find yourself I've been around an' I've noticed that, Walkin's easier when the road is flat Them danged ol' hills'll get you every time Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains, So we could learn how to climb This world ain't fair, It can knock you on your butt You can just lie there, Or you can get back up You gotta get back up There are times in life when you gotta crawl, Lose your grip, trip an' fall When you can't lean on no-one else: That's when you find yourself I've been around an' I've noticed that, Walkin's easier when the road is flat Them danged ol' hills'll get you every time Yeah, the good Lord gave us mountains, (The good Lord gave us mountains) So we could learn how to climb Yeah, oh Labels: lyrics
Thursday, November 09, 2006 I am really big about taking my time and getting to know someone, not only in a potential vanilla relationship but especially in a power exchange setting. Many say that my hesitation to completely embracing the new person is because i doubt my own submissive needs or desires, others insist that by taking things slow I am "topping from the bottom". Its not like I want a full year before I submit to someone and begin to obey fully, but I do need to know that I can trust him~ and not just because he says I can trust him. I need time to develop a feeling for who he is, what he stands for, and see how he behaves in different situations. Its important to me that I can trust him 100% and I'm not able to make that emotional investment lightly. Imagine my surprise when I received an email from a dominant who shares my opinion. He has given me permission to share his thoughts on my blog, so they are below. Melkor: Trust has to be earned, if someone is willing to submit to me right away, that suggests that they would submit to anyone who might ask them to. In which case any trust they might have is meaningless ... it signifies only that the submissive is foolish, not that I am actually worthy of that trust. In my view, submission is a gift to be granted to a dominant, rather than a prize that is wrestled from the grasp of a submissive. After all, in the extreme case, the choice of who to serve is the last choice a slave will make. Again it is the judgment thing, being worthy of the trust and everything I guess I'm into the ego boost thing, but unwilling to settle for the shallow boost of 'instant submissive'. :) Thank you again Melkor for letting me post your thoughts here. ~elana Labels: thoughts on D/s or M/s
Wednesday, November 08, 2006  At Peace ~a picture that elana likes Someone wrote me with this picture on his profile and I fell in love with it. The woman has this sense of peace, much like the the peace I am looking for. This picture touched me because it shows a girl at peace... at the hand of One she trusts completely and absolutely adores. No this girl is not me. No I do not know who the girl or the photographer are, but isn't the picture beautiful? If you know who this is, I will happily either add the name of the photographer to this post. Labels: pictures, thoughts on D/s or M/s
Monday, November 06, 2006 Is More Really Merrier? elana's thoughts on polygamous relationships  I spent a year in a polygamous relationship. Even though I learned a lot about myself, adored my submissive brother, and felt complete in my service to our Owner~ I have no desire to return to that lifestyle. However these are my thoughts from that experience.Poly-relationships are hard work. Not only does the primary two people require a solid immovable no-doubts-allowed relationship, but every additional person must put that primary couple before any of his/her own needs. Everyone in the relationship must have a common unshakable goal, in our case it was pleasing our Owner. Nothing in my relationship with our Owner could have any form of backlash in his relationship with Her. The moment that any supplementary relationship with Her caused problems with the him, She was willing to sacrifice the additional submissives to save the primary. That was Her level of commitment to the primary relationship. That was my level of commitment to the primary relationship. That was my commitment to Her, because I knew that he was Her primary. Period.  Some say that it is the ‘owners choice’ of who to release and who to keep, but I don’t feel that a poly relationship could survive such games of relationship roulette. In my experience, he knew he was secure with Her, which eliminated any jealousy he may have had for any of us additional submissives. Also, the Owner must have the ability to not only meet the needs of the primary submissive but also all additional submissives brought into the relationship. It is unacceptable to expect the submissives to take care of themselves while the Owner frolics through His or Her house of nakedness. That may be fine for fantasy, but I am talking about realistic 24/7 polygamous relationships. I know that sounds like a lot of work, but, adding people to one’s household means more work. At the time, I was in a place where I did not feel I could fully submit to an Owner, even though I wished to learn more of the ‘lifestyle’. That is why I agreed to a poly-relationship, plus I felt safe to explore without being judged for needing ‘vanilla time’. Later, I was taught that I could be owned completely, living each moment with only Her service in my mind. But that is for a different post. The point is, that at that point in my life, a polygamous relationship was the best choice for me. I do not wish to return to a poly-relationship at this time in my life. I can’t say that I will never again enter a polygamous relationship, but I do know it will take a very patient Man to guide me through my fears, resentments, and pains. I’m not sure I will be able to embrace the thought of a brother or sister, or the thought of sharing His attentions. I have learned throughout the years that I can be a very greedy girl at times, wanting Him all to herself. Who knows, in fifteen or twenty years I am be more willing to discuss the possibility of bringing another submissive into my relationship, but I without a doubt I must have that solid unshakable no-questions-no-doubts deep true and genuine trusting loving and supportive primary relationship. Labels: thoughts on D/s or M/s
Sunday, November 05, 2006  There are two kinds of strength: the strength to lead and the strength to follow; the strength to control and the strength to yield. There are two kinds of power: the power to strip another's soul bare and the power to stand naked. ~Gurumayi Chidvil Labels: quotes
Saturday, November 04, 2006 Be gone! Before someone drops a house on you! If I had a pet peeve within the 'lifestyle' it would have to be the issue of training/testing. It infuriates me to be told my character is being tested! I understand that in each new relationship the submissive must be taught ways to please her new Dominant. He will teach her how to serve, beg, stand, and speak in manners that are pleasing to Him. So in that sense, yes he will train her to do as he wants/likes. But she must also teach him about her, her fears, wants, desires, and weaknesses- emotionally as well as physically. I am no expert but I feel that I know myself rather well. I have seven or eight years of adventures in this “lifestyle” and have experimented with many things, some I enjoyed and some I did not. By no means am I implying that I know everything about anything, but this is far from being my first rodeo. I am not naïve enough to fall for those newbie tricks, but I am not so educated that I can immune to all of the wolves in sheep clothing. Yes I want to meet someone who can expand my horizons, focus my mind and thoughts on serving him, teach my body to be please Him, and have such an emotional stable presence in my world that allows it to revolve around Him. Yes, I ask for a lot but in return I offer up myself, all that I am, all that I can be, my endless devotion, and obedience. The thought of being randomly trained by someone who caps his internet nickname sickens me! This may not be my place to say, but I can only think that he is sitting there at his computer jacking off to what I am saying and especially if I am actually following his directions!! Not only is that disgusting but it is insulting to what I need and desire from a Partner. How can someone who truly understands where I am coming from treat it like cheap porn? OK Perhaps he is not doing that, but seriously, what are the odds? Testing testing testing why is everyone obsessed with testing these days? As if my own character and personality will not come forward given time and conversation! So here are my questions. 1. Why are these acts of testing and/or training necessary? 2. Why are lies ‘supposed’ to be OK if they are for "testing/training purposes"? If they are permitted then, how is the submissive supposed to know what is true or a test? 3. What automatically makes the submissive the inferior one? What if she is educated, not only college wise but also 'lifestyle' wise? 4. Shouldn't the one to test or teach be the most experienced one in the 'lifestyle'? 5. How can someone who doesn't understand a submissive heart train someone to embrace it? I am not a dominant person so I cannot teach anyone to become a dominant, either they are or they are not. The same is with a submissive. Submissive protocals and behaviors can be taught, but true submission either is or isn't. 6. And if testing is ok then why is the very “Dominant” who tests the one that gets pissy when the submissive tests for her own curiosities and reassurances? Why is she "topping from the bottom", "a brat", and "not a true submissive"? 7. Until a girl gives herself to a Dominant she is still in control of her body and who has rights to it, so why do most demand access immediately (even via through webcam/pictures)? I want to introduce two scenarios that have inspired these questions: Testing: Let’s say that a guy is talking with a girl and they have been talking pretty heavily for two or three weeks. The guy knows that the girl has a trigger of people cheating on her and doesn't tolerate it respectfully. OK so let’s say the guy tells the girl an elaborate story about how he cheated on his last girl. The guy says it was justified because she couldn't have sex the last month they were together because she had given birth to his child and he "has masterly needs that must be met". Well this upsets the new girl and she asked him why he would do that and why he lied about not cheating before. The guy argues with her over it for about ten minutes until he starts laughing and tells the girl that this was a "test to see her true character" and was all a lie. So now the girl is thinking that the guy is either a cheater or a liar, right? Oh no, the guy is super pissed off now because he has "the right to test" the ways that “he sees fit” even if it IS an elaborate lie... or was it? However, the guy tells her quickly “If you cannot meet my testing requirements there are plenty of women begging me to take them and I will go to them.” Training: A guy meets a girl and decides they want to get to know each other better. The first requirement that the guy has for her is that she must go purchase and install a webcam so that he may “properly train her”. The guy goes on to explain how he will use the cam to teach her orgasm control and pain management. The guy states that if she is serious in wanting to get to know him better, she will obey him at once because he will not “wait forever”. Labels: thoughts on D/s or M/s
Friday, November 03, 2006 Elana's Personality Elana is an Attentive Idealist.     elana is an Idealist
If you want to be different: You take time to explore your own thoughts and ideas, but this experience would only be heightened if you opened yourself up even more to others' ideas. Your faith in yourself and your lifestyle is well-founded, but the occasional foray into the unknown might broaden your perspective and help you see things differently. how she relates to others elana is Attentive
You care about people, but finding the ones you can truly trust will allow you to get closer to them. While you have strong opinions about what is right and wrong in the world, you risk coming across as judgmental—be sure to consider different perspectives when voicing your opinion. Labels: elana, quiz results
|
          
~His Pixie~ my best fairy friend who dazzled up this template with her fabulous pixie dust and imagination.
|
