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  ~Paris Hilton that’s just fabulous. ~Sex in the City music of your soul. ~Katharine Hepburn ~Margaret Cho ~Henry James
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Sunday, January 28, 2007 A Temper Tantrum emotional ranting of a pouty girlPart 1~ a little ranting I don't understand it. Let me set the stage. A guy compiles a profile that is intelligent and interesting. He begins to exchange emails with a girl, his words are thoughtful and polite. However, once the girl ventures into online conversation with him, everything he types revolves around sex! From questions about her masturbatory practices to what positions she likes, the guy becomes someone totally opposite who the girl was attracted to in the beginning. I know that the sex discussions have to come up at some point to see if both people are compatible, but why does it have to be the first thing independently asked? To be honest, it makes the girl think that one of two things are going on: a.) the guy isn’t getting any at all and is desperate for it. Or b.) the only thing the guy wants is to bust a nut and once he achieves that he is back to his normal life. I’m not a prude and I am a sexual being, but good grief I have to know more about someone other than they call themselves a dominant or master. A little bit of respect goes a long way. It’s not that I want something permanent right now, although it would be nice to meet the One for me, but its not something I’m determined to have immediately. I know I am pretty demanding most of the time, especially when it comes to a Partner. What do I want, you ask?  Update: I have figured it out! I know why the 'pushy-talk about sex before I'm ready' thing bothers me! If the guy cannot control his own testosterone, needs, and urges enough to be a considerate conversationalist while online... then how can he control it when/if we are together in person? And if he can't, how can he possibly begin to control another person? I do not want to be in another situation where the guy cannot control himself! Part 2~ a little pouting I just want to stomp my foot and whine “Someone pay attention to me!” Not my breasts, not my sexual thoughts, but ME! The little girl inside! The woman that I am! We’ve all had those moments where the lonely feeling is overwhelming. When I watch the news and hear about all these Americans who give their life in the war, on the streets, and in accidental fires… I wonder if the right One for me is even still alive out there. I hate feeling like this, having those types of thoughts. I get hit on a good bit when I go out, even if its at the gas station or taking a client to the ER. It’s not that I have a shortage of offers for male company, it’s that level of emotional/mental companionship that I can’t find. I’m in charge all the time at work and with my family, but I crave those moments of someone petting my hair as he whispers “don’t worry elana, I’m here.” Or even just having him pull my hair the right way telling me to focus on him, and everything else will work out.  I'm not always pouty. I'm not always pessimistic. But I'm not necessarily an optimistic romantic either. I am a closet romantic, my heart can be won with the small simple things. But I'm also realistic enough to know that the right one for me will be able to handle these moods or thoughts, even if all he does is draw me a hot bath and offer support.  
 Saturday, January 27, 2007  What does being owned mean to me? I am including a picture with this post. The picture is not of me (obviously) but rather in response to this question. I agree with the script on the portrait. Ownership, feeling it or expressing it, is not physical. It is 100% mental. A strip of leather around someone’s neck doesn’t mean she is anyone’s possession, it is how he has molded her mindset that makes her that way. The emotional/mental connection between a man and a woman that causes her to put him before herself, in every way. Not because she has to, not because those are the rules, but because she longs to. To me, ownership is complete acceptance. He knows my flaws, seen my imperfections, understands my weaknesses-- and wants me because of them... not in spite of them. Because he can use his strengths to make me a better person. When owned, a girl doesn’t have to worry anymore about pleasing everyone else, what she is ‘supposed’ to do, or what she needs to do. Her only focus is pleasing him, serving him, belonging to him. *This post was inspired by a question posed in an email from a new Friend. Labels: project, thoughts on D/s or M/s
Thursday, January 25, 2007 People are lonely because they build walls instead of bridges. Dear Diary, I am very guilty of this. Sometimes its easier to lock parts of myself up so that they won't be hurt again. At least, that was my coping strategy for a long time. I know that I cannot change what happened in the past, and I'm not sure i would want to. Everything has made me who I am and I like that girl :) But at the same time, I wish I were a bit more trusting or at least that I viewed sex differently. Its not that I am a prune or even hung up, I just get uncomfortable talking about my personal preferences when it comes to sex or even intimate physical kink. I refuse to apologize for wanting needing requiring a mental/emotional connection with a man before I even care what happens physically. I do get lonely sometimes. This is new to me, I haven't really gotten lonely before, not like this. Maybe that means that growth has taken place and I am more open to something, so I miss it more. Or maybe its because I am so focused on work that I haven't left time for myself.. and since I am taking time for myself this year (resolution) I am realizing how lonely I have been the whole time? I wish I knew why I try to push people away when they begin to get closer to me. Its not something that I do on purpose, usually I still like the guy when I start picking those little arguments or voicing my opinions. I used to think its because I never really voiced my opinions honestly until I became emotionally invested in the 'friendship/relationship' and by then he didn't want to hear my opinions. Of course there is no way of knowing... my only hope is that the right One for me is not only patient but able to read between the lines. elana Labels: Dear Diary, Guys, quotes, thoughts on D/s or M/s
Tuesday, January 23, 2007  Labels: quotes
Monday, January 22, 2007 Dear Diary, It was twenty-one days. That's three weeks. This vacation has been very eventful and packed with as more drama than I could stand. Between family medical emergencies, sisterly catastrophes, and one crisis after another at work ~ I didn't get much time to rest and relax. For that reason I am thankful to be back at work, I will be able to have some semi-quiet time to myself and time to reflect. One major thing that came from my vacation was a fresh fascination for a television show I had blown off in the past: The Dog Whisperer.  Off to bed with me, elana Labels: Dear Diary
Sunday, January 21, 2007    Labels: pictures
Friday, January 12, 2007 Long hair yesterday, gone today! A declaration by elana I had around six/seven inches cut off of my hair a couple days ago. I did not get a 'trim', I got a cut. My hair is barely touching my shoulders now and it looks better than it ever has. I don't feel guilty about getting my hair chopped off, its been several days and I'm still excited about it. I learned something about myself this week. I don't like having long hair. I don't like washing it. I don't like combing it out. I don't like drying it. I don't like styling it. I don't like having long hair. When it gets to the point where a pony tail is considered a 'style' the long hair isn't doing me any good anyway, so why keep it? I took a nice long vacation from work (I had to or loose my hours because they don't roll over.) So I'm still offline pretty much until the 23rd of January. I should be blogging more regularly then :) elana ~happy with short hair Labels: rants
Thursday, January 11, 2007 A couple of these images really spoke to me... some support my New Year's Promise (to get to know myself better and be kinder to myself). Others remind me that better times are coming. But this first one, I love it. I like how it puts everything out there into simple terms. 
Labels: pictures
Sunday, January 07, 2007 Dear Diary, I watched 'The Wedding Date' a couple nights ago and here are a couple quotes that really popped out at me. I definately identify with the first one.... its one that I feel like I'm constantly struggling with. The hardest thing is loving someone and then having the courage to let them love you back. Nick: Close your eyes. Close your eyes. Close... your... eyes. You're safe. You can relax. I'm not going to kiss you. He's gonna be so sorry he lost you, so stop worrying. Forget the past. Forget the pain. And remember what an incredible woman you are. You do that and he'll realize what he lost. Kat: Holy crap. You're worth every penny. Sometimes I wish I already had all of the answers. That I knew the person I would not only end up becoming but also who I would end up with. I know that I am submissive and I want to be with a dominant man, but I also want him to have time for me... really have time for me. If I'm sick, I need more attention than I normally would so that I know that when we are together-together he will be able to take care of me. I know that is a big fear for me, that no one will be there to take care of me when I'm sick or old. I am the person in my family that takes care of everyone and everything, from hospital stays to treating the flu, I'm the girl they call. And I do it, happy that I am able to be there for them... but when I'm sick, no one has time for me. I know that is why I'm so hard on guys I am talking with or dating. maybe that is why I try so desperatley to push them away when I'm sick. This time of year everyone is talking about resolutions and whatnot. So here are mine, in the form of proverbs of course :) Don't let your past dictate who you are but let it be part of who you will become. What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say. Labels: Dear Diary, movies, quotes
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~His Pixie~ my best fairy friend who dazzled up this template with her fabulous pixie dust and imagination.
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