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  ~Paris Hilton that’s just fabulous. ~Sex in the City music of your soul. ~Katharine Hepburn ~Margaret Cho ~Henry James
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Wednesday, February 28, 2007 Dear Diary, Spring is almost here and I can't wait! I've already started getting out my garden statues and selected the next victims for my hell-bent desire to learn how to garden. Its not like I want to grow enough vegetables to feed the world, or enough flowers to open my own floral business. I just want my flower beds to be colorful, pretty, and attract butterflies. OK I will even give on the butterflies, if everything would just blossom and look pretty. I haven't decided what I will put in my hanging baskets, I do ok with greenery sometimes. Last year I had a really pretty green plant that lived almost all summer long! YAY Of course my Wandering Jews will have to make another appearance, I am going to attempt to transplant a sprig of it from the plant that my friend revived from last summer's causalities. Here's a picture of my new bird house! I just love it :)  Fortunately I have 'the touch' when it comes to attracting squirrels and birds to my yard. I figure the squirrels will show up anyway I might as well feed them. haha I am looking for another squirrel feeder, one with the hindgey-type top that the squirrels have to open up and get the food out. Right now I have the one that I put the corn cob style-food down on the nail and the squirrels come and nibble it off. Although a couple months ago I had problems with raccoons, so I stopped putting food out until the raccoons went away. Oh the squirrels didn't starve, I bought the loose corn and fed them at the edge of the trees. I looked at a bat-box earlier, I thought it would be fun to also have a place for bats to rest during the day. Unfortunately my roommates said they would smoother me in my sleep if I did that, so... I decided not to... yet. But that's our secret. ;) Although, the thought of a butterfly garden is very appealing... I guess that I should learn to grow plants before I use them to lure in more animals. :) elana Labels: Dear Diary  
 Monday, February 26, 2007 Dear Diary, I had a conference the last couple days and even though we had a great time, my favorite part was (as always) making one special stop on the way home. Those I travel with humor me, allowing me to stop at my favorite rest-stop on the way home. I visit the lake when I have free time, but lately work has been so crazy I haven't had a chance to... it was a sight for sore eyes. Until I am able to return, these pictures will keep me company. The first picture is my favorite. signed, the water baby    Labels: Dear Diary, pictures
Thursday, February 22, 2007  I think I like this theory. ~elana Labels: quotes
Wednesday, February 21, 2007  It seems that I am a scary gal. Either that or instead of body spray I spritzed on guy-repellent. I had a nice sweet date with HockeyGuy a couple days ago and haven't heard from him since. I don't understand what happened, he initiated the goodnight kiss. A friend of mine said that he was probably sorting everything out but at this point I am pretty sure that he has decided against talking with me again. Its totally his choice but I will miss our friendship, or what I thought was a friendship. Labels: Guys
Sunday, February 18, 2007 Assignment: Describe the shoes you wish to purchase in no less than 50 words, then find a picture of them. 
Labels: project
Saturday, February 17, 2007 I truly believe this quote, so in celebration of that I am posting pictures of big beautiful women that I have found, and love, here to share with others. No one can tell me these pictures aren't sexy!          
Wednesday, February 14, 2007  Happy Valentine's Day! This year, I had a good Valentines Day. :) It wasn't because I did anything special that I wouldn't of done even if it wasn't Valentines Day.  First kisses are sweet no matter what the occasion. I spent some time with a friend tonight, HockeyGuy and I have been friends with a while now. He kissed me goodnight, which was a first for us. It was nice... slow, extremely gentle, almost shy-- it was really sweet. Its been such a long time since a guy has kissed me without grabbing my boobs or trying to grab my ass. HockeyGuy kept his hands on mine and didn't even step closer to 'accidentally' bump my boobs. He's been wanting to "get together" just the two of us for a while now, so it wasn't JUST Valentine's Day. Maybe that helped make it sweeter.Labels: Dear Diary, Guys
Monday, February 12, 2007 Dear Diary, I am blessed to have good friends. Talking with pixi helped a bit last night, but I still couldn't shake those feelings. I exchanged text messages with a friend of mine, Footsie. He's a super great guy, sweet as he can be and very observant. He called me last night and I felt so much better. I know this sounds kind of corny but when he told me that I will feel secure when I am next to him... I felt him, believed him and felt better... Footsie and I have been friends for almost a year. We get along beautifully and he is one of my closest friends. We can talk about anything, from medical questions I have about stuff at work to ranting about our dates. The best part is that he doens't ask me those sexual questions that make me so uncomfortable... and the best part is that he understands why they make me so uncomfortable. I don't have to defend myself to him, he chooses not to push me because he values my friendship more than that. :) Anyway the point of this entry was to apologize to try and salvage myself after my last couple of entries. I think it was my exhaustion talking. Either way, I am feeling better :) Labels: Dear Diary
Sunday, February 11, 2007 Dear Diary, I’m in a very weird place tonight. I’m sad, but more of in a wistful mood. After years of telling myself that I didn’t want certain things, over the last couple of months I have accepted that I do. However, now I am faced with the realization that I may not get those things I yearn for. It’s not that I am desperate or feel inadequate because I am single, because I know that I am neither. Some people believe that there is one person for everyone out there. I’m starting to wonder if the guy meant for me has passed on, maybe from the war or an auto accident, or anything. I know that is morbid, but it has an odd sense of comfort in thinking it. That would mean that it isn’t me, or isn’t my fault that it hasn’t happened for me yet. I don’t know that if I believe that there is only one person out there, but sometimes it’s a better thought than I am being rejected by hundreds of guys. I believe in God, I believe that He has me here for a purpose. I believe that God gives us desires that He will fulfill, so I don’t understand why I have a strong desire for a family of my own… Of course I was brought up that if you don’t get those things that you feel God has promised you, that it is because you were a “bad girl” and are going to hell. I think this is all going on because I am exhausted. My baby cousin is fixing to have a baby. My entire family is ecstatic and making a huge deal over the fact that she is having a baby when I “decided not to”. What makes it bother me is, that in a couple days I go back to the doctor to find out when he is going to schedule the procedure that will tell him if I can ever have children or if I need a hysterectomy. I know that all of this is playing into this melancholy mood also. I just… I want – I just don’t like this overwhelming loneliness. Its more than just wanting “someone there” because I have plenty PLENTY of offers from kinky guy friends who would love to spend the night with me. Its more than that. The intensity of my cravings for this is really attracting men with ticking bio-logical clocks of their own. Its not that I am desperately clinging to the hope of having a husband and a house full of kids ~ I do want to take time for a relationship to grow naturally… I’m just ready to meet the one for me. Even if I felt confident that He would find me, I’m just starting to doubt that there is such a guy. Truth be told, I have a couple kinky friends who are really pushing to come visit me and have 'no strings’ sexual encounters with me right now. That is usually flattering (not that I do those things with them, but the attention is somewhat flattering) but this time… its almost mocking me and what I want, but am unable to have. Maybe a nice long hot bath is what the doctor ordered. Either way, that’s where I am headed next. Keep your fingers crossed that I am able to get some sleep tonight. elana Labels: Dear Diary
Saturday, February 10, 2007 These people are giving me a headache. a (repeated) rant by elana I have learned that I am very hard on myself. Even though I am more forgiving with my Partners, I am hard on them also. Especially if it is someone I want to serve, I automatically place him on a higher code of conduct. I don't give a lot of room for mistakes, perhaps because I don't like a lot of wiggle room where the rules are concerned. Its almost like... I expect the person who is 'molding me' to be a better person than I am. Otherwise, what gives him the ability/right to teach me to be better? I expect Him to be smarter than I am, but still be friendly and considerate of other people's feelings (mainly mine). I expect him to have enough manners not to burp without saying excuse me, yet be comfortable in his own skin so that I feel comfortable around him. I want him to have an honest, strong work ethic and be a good provider. Perhaps I should suck it up and realize that no one is perfect and I should just relax. Which is what I am trying to do, but with work frustrating me it makes me just want to go home to someone who handles everything for me... so that all I have to do is focus on pleasing Him and He will take care of me. But I have ranted on this enough, I just get frustrated with this kind of stuff sometimes. And considering that I am intelligent, cute, funny, passionate, kind, thoughtful, honest in my submission, and sincerely wanting to be a better person ~ I don't think this is to much to ask from someone who wants to become my focus. Labels: rants
Thursday, February 08, 2007 I thought I had let go of the pain a long time ago. But whenever I think about entering another power exchange relationship, it all comes flooding back. Sometimes it catches me off guard and the fear is so overwhelming that I can't catch my breath for a moment... I imagine that being smothered in quicksand would feel this way. Quicksand is the best way I can think of to describe it.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007 Attention All Wanna-Bes: Elana's Secrets Revealed! The key to finding out why you keep pissing her off. Jerk: take off your panties slut. me: No, so go away. Jerk: then u not real slave. me: So why are you still bothering me? Go away. What bothers me so much about the command "take off your panties"? I think it is because of what that symbolizes to me. my panties offer me a sense of security, they keep me safer than if I didn't wear them. By removing them, I am making myself very vulnerable and I must have faith and trust that the person issuing the request will keep me safe. The horny jerk on the other end of the command usually doesn't care what it means to me and cares even less about establishing some kind of power exchange relationship with me that doesn't revolve around masturbatory rituals. The fact that it means so much to me is my problem, I understand that. But the only way I can submit is for the guy to not only understand this but either accept it or realize that I need this until I can get that emotional security from him. Most just think I am making it into a bigger deal because to a guy, it only means "easy access for sex"... its much more to me. So why can't people just go a little slower and let things progress naturally? Labels: rants
Sunday, February 04, 2007 The day slips away to its unreasonable place, and she’s again lost in His soft face. Strong arms surround her to remind her of this, that her soul is lifted with the slightest of kiss. He bares her burdens upon loving, sweet hand, and she knows she is His, a gift given without demand. Lost in passion’s loving warm embrace, she feels his spirit within her soul to trace. They are one in the center of a lost, forgotten being, for together they are strong, forgetting everything by Fire_Jim_D "You have very expressive eyes. They suggest a loving, passionate soul who has grown to be strong and independent out of necessity. A soul others lean on for strength without another to return the favor. Yet, they tell the tale of an angel, a sweet, giving soul…that of a little girl, whom you’ve hidden away until she can find he whom she can lean on, so the little girl can live again." Hmmm..... interesting perspective. Labels: quotes
Saturday, February 03, 2007 Dear Diary, Work has been an absolute nightmare for the last two weeks (going on three weeks). I'm exhausted from working these 18-20 hour days in a row. I spent some time tonight changing my blog template... I have a lot going on in my head right now and most of it isn't something I can post. So, maybe I will like this new layout. A couple nights ago, I got an email from a guy that I've been out with a couple times in the past. Nothing negative really happens when we are spending time together, it just doesn't work out for some reason... but whenever we run across each other later, we always try again. So we are going to talk a bit again and I'm glad to have his friendship back. He's funny and intelligent. I never realize that I miss his friendship until our paths cross again. elana Labels: Dear Diary
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~His Pixie~ my best fairy friend who dazzled up this template with her fabulous pixie dust and imagination.
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