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  ~Paris Hilton that’s just fabulous. ~Sex in the City music of your soul. ~Katharine Hepburn ~Margaret Cho ~Henry James
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Saturday, April 07, 2007 Dear Diary, This year I have been working on rediscovering myself, it was one of my resolutions. I thought I was doing better, I addressed some of the roadblocks I have been running into. I realized that I do not have to have a connection with everyone that I agree to go out with, have made some new friends along the way (and had a couple good times). I have grown to enjoy my body again. Not in the sexual way, but growing to appreciate each curve, dip, and the strength in my muscles. I have embraced photography and artwork depicting bigger girls in attractive sexy poses, lingerie, and in a new light. I have even taken a couple pictures of my own, confronting that old fear again. I am not recognizable in those pictures, but it is still my body all the same.  I have stopped looking for that 'intense connection', thinking that if it is meant to work it will, I have still been fairly selective about who I will go out with or not. A girl has to have standards, eh? Anyway, even though I am beginning to open up a little bit, I'm still wasn’t connecting with anyone, at least with anyone who was emotionally available. It wasn’t a surprise that these guys were unavailable, I was able to tell rather quickly that they weren’t what I needed emotionally. But they ones I “attempted” to open up to. At first I thought it was because I just naturally attracted ‘these types’ but now I realize that I was using them as an excuse to remain closed up. Locked behind my own emotional walls, protecting myself from feeling that pain all over again. Sometimes I forget that by keeping that pain close I am not protecting myself but hurting myself all over again.  When I meet someone who is open to taking his time to get to know me (which is very rare), or someone who wants to establish some form of relationship that may or may not open the doors later on to a deeper connection… I start hiding behind my work again. I hate this, I thought I was getting better at treating myself better but in this aspect I am still withdrawn. A new friend asked me directly about this, it totally caught me off guard yet clicked instantly that this is what I'm continuing to do. So I will continue to work on it and try to be more patient with myself, this isn't the kind of thing that can be fixed overnight. elana Labels: Dear Diary  
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~His Pixie~ my best fairy friend who dazzled up this template with her fabulous pixie dust and imagination.
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